WHOSE ON FIRST?

The classic Abbott-Costello routine is one of my favorite pieces of comedy. It combines a misunderstanding and America's pastime. I laughed when I was 10. I laughed the other day. I'll laugh when I'm 80. Assuming I still have the ability to do so. I have the skit on VHS, cassette tape, CD and my iPod. I think I could play right field of this here Colgate team. Besides laughing the other day, I did something else while listening to the routine. I made note of several mistakes. Some duo needs to redo this and fix up the errors. I'm available for Lou.

1) The first mistake comes at the 2:57 mark. They have this theme where they say:

What's the guy's name on first base?

No. What is the guy's name on second base.

I'm not asking you who's on second?

No. Who is on first?

What are you asking me for? (Then later: I don't know. Third base.)

However, when Lou asks Bud (at 2:57): I'm asking you what's the guy's name on first base you give the money to. Bud responds: Who. After all, the man is entitled to it.

Lou: Who is?

Bud: Yes.

This is a mess up. Bud is supposed to respond: What is the guy's name on second base. He blew it. He just keeps talking like he wasn't set up for the joke. Maybe Lou wasn't supposed to say "what" that time. Instead, he could have said: "Tell me the guy's name on first base ..." That's possible because eight seconds later, they go into the what's-the-guy's-name-on-first-base joke again.

2) At 4:30, Lou says he's the catcher and a heavy hitter gets up. Then, the guy bunts. Why would a heavy hitter bunt? A power hitter is highly unlikely to be bunting, and a fat guy can't run out a bunt. Perhaps a fleet-footed hitter should have been used here.

3) At 5:45, Lou describes a triple play. Who drops the ball, picks it up and throws it to what, what throws it to I don't know, I don't know throws it back to Tomorrow. How in the name of Tinkers to Evers to Chance is that a triple play? Doesn't seem like anybody was on base. Who dropped the ball, so no out was recorded at first. Unless the guy was tagged out by what at second, then another guy was running to third and I don't know tags him out, then another guy is running home and they got him in a run down, with Tomorrow applying the tag. I doubt it. 

4) At 5:57, Another hitter gets up and hits a long fly ball. How can another hitter come up when the team just turned a triple play? Is this game with funny names being played with four outs?

I know it's supposed to be funny. I'm not Rain Man for crying out loud. But I can't help but notice these errors. It's not like I was listening with the intent to correct. OK, maybe I was.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom and I went out Tuesday afternoon. On the agenda: Wal-Mart, the Bank, Oriental Triangle for lunch. Mom went off several times. Once I started crying in the car because I was laughing so hard. I was laughing because it was funny and I was imagining putting the outburst on the blog. She cursed so much I forgot several of the lines. I'll give you what I remember. All these took place in the car. Keep in mind we only put seven miles on the odometer.

Part I. Driving to Wal-Mart.

I ask mom if she thinks we will be credited by Cox for not having cable for five days. "Call them and ask. You have to give them a fucking pin number before they even discuss your account."

Mom sees a hair salon next to city hall. "Fuck. That's in walking distance."

Mom is trying to get someone to plug the holes by the windows where the water came into the living room during Gustav. She called the people who did the windows earlier. "I get a fucking girl recorder. She says we'll call you back. Call me back? They better. I gave them $xxx to put those windows in."

Part II: Leaving Wal-Mart; Driving to the bank

I missed two calls from mom saying she was done with the groceries. I was reading SI when I finally notice the missed calls. She is pissed and said she almost left me. "You are a fucking pain in my fucking ass." I, however, was the least of her problems. She wasn't happy with Wal-Mart or the person who put a scratch on her car while she was in Wal-Mart.

"They didn't have anything I wanted. And they scratched my fucking car! Right there on my fucking bumper. They took a basket and hit my fucking car. Fucking jammed it in there! Fuck. Somebody fucked up my car. Put a big fucking scratch on the motherfucker. Just fucking jammed it in there. People are so nasty. You ain't got to fucking jam it in there. Fucking people don't know how to fucking behave. I can't believe they fucking scratched my car like that."

Concerning Wal-Mart: "They're so fucking clueless over there. I ask the guy when they're getting stuff in. He said they're putting stuff up right now. Bullshit. The fucking shelves are empty. I had to buy garbage bags with a fucking thing you got to put a fucking tie around. And they fucked up my car."

We see school buses up ahead. "Fucking school is back in. They're trying to fit in those fucking five days. I don't see how they can fucking do that. They ought to have hurricane days in place like snow days. There is a fucking hurricane every fucking year." Somebody tries to drive between two school buses in a row of five or six of them. "Look at this asshole. Where'd you get your fucking driver's license? In a crackerjack box?" She looks at me. "You're not writing this shit down are you?" (Deny. Deny. Deny.)

Part III: In line at the bank

"Oh fuck me. I got to get behind a fucking old person."

Mom gets out of the car to check the scratch. "They fucking nicked it so there is a hole and took the fucking paint off."

Part IV: Driving to Oriental, parking and eating

"If she calls to cancel my fucking hair appointment, I will hit the fucking sky. Wal-Mart didn't have anything I needed. They are so fucking useless. I can't believe some motherfucker put a scratch in my fucking car."

I take a picture of the scratch. "You're putting this shit in your blog, aren't you? You just love it when I blow up. At least you're using the shit out of the camera." I still was laughing so hard, I didn't have to answer that. I just kept laughing. 

I tell mom that in a few weeks, there is a possibility I could watch six things at once on a Monday night. My previous record is five. "You're watching too much bullshit. You have to give some of that shit up and get out there and live."

Mom: Who is that couple that just walked in? They look familiar.

Me (looking over): That's Derry and Drea.

Mom: Oh, shit. I just met them.

Part V: Driving home

Lunch calmed mom down, but when we pass Wal-Mart: "Fucking Wal-Mart. With its ugly fucking colors." (This is the only part of the store that is blue. The rest is now burnt orange and brown or something like that. Yuck.)

I'M TRYING TO THINK

This is a phrase that gives me a dry taste in my mouth. Someone will say this when he is stumped but believes the answer may come to him. The problem is the person isn't trying to think. He is thinking. The person should say "Let met think here" or "Give me a second, it's coming to me." 

Saying "I'm trying to think" tells me the person is attempting to think. Not of anything specific. But just attempting to do the act of thinking. As if some force was blocking him from brain activity. 

Maybe some people need to get the brain warmed up first. Then after they start the thinking process, the answer can then come to them. Same idea applies for "I'm trying to remember."

PARTING SHOT

Mom and I talk to Derry and Drea for a second before we leave the restaurant. Drea and mom find common ground in Derry and I playing too much poker.

Drea: I think I'll just starting going out all night too a few days a week.

Derry (unfazed): OK. Fine by me.

THE DAILY TOP LIST

I've spent the past few weeks watching every episode of The Office to get ready for Season 5. I watched the final 12 episodes in a 24-hour span. Here are my top five pranks Jim has pulled on Dwight, with help from Pam, of course.

5) Secret CIA mission. A Benihana Christmas. Season 3. 

Pam started this one. Jim, pretending to be the CIA, tells Dwight to wait on the roof for a helicopter. Jim sends Dwight a text: You're position has been comprised. Abort mission. Destroy phone. Dwight, thinking all this is real, throws his phone off the roof as far as he can.

4) The vending machine. Booze Cruise. Season 2. 

Jim puts all of Dwight's stuff in the vending machine: wallet, pencil cup, stapler, etc. Pam comes in and buys the pencil cup. Dwight is greatly upset.

3) Pretending to be a computer. Launch Party. Season 4. 

Dwight competes against the online system to see who can sell more paper. Jim and Pam create a fake AIM name and talk to him as the actual Internet site. Dwight thinks the computer evolved and became alive.

2) Forming an alliance. The Alliance. Season 1.

Jim pretends to be in an alliance with Dwight to mess with his head. He convinces Dwight to hide in a box in the warehouse to spy on another "alliance." Pam goes downstairs and talks on the phone as if she were in an alliance. Jim also convinces Dwight to dye his hair blond and drive to a different branch to spy.

1) Putting Dwight's desk in the bathroom. The Fight. Season 2. 

Dwight: Where is my desk?

Jim: That is weird.

Dwight: This is not funny. This is totally unprofessional.

Jim: OK. Well, you're the one who lost a desk.

Dwight: I didn't lose my desk.

Jim: K, calm down. Where was the last place you saw it?

Dwight (ignoring Jim): OK. Who moved my desk?

Jim: I think you should retrace your steps.

When Dwight finds his desk in the bathroom, Jim calls him and asks a work-related question. Dwight looks up the information and answers as if he were sitting in his normal space.