THE GENE POOL MOVIE: PART III.

I know what you're thinking. The casting on this epic is taking forever. Slow and steady wins the race, people. Though at some point I need to hire a director and makeup artist. And I probably should get a studio to produce it. Eh, details. Today's installment has us at Loyola again. This time: Everyone I'm friends with from Loyola who I didn't meet at the Maroon. In order of how I became friends with them. I think.

Remember: All decisions are final.

KEVIN: Jon Favreau. Both are so money, and they don't even know it. Favreau directed Iron Man. Wasn't that Kevin's nickname when he played high school football? Plus, they are both stylish dressers and are rocking the husky, sometimes-spiked hair look. Runner-up: Reggie Ray from Not Another Teen Movie.

GREG: Shia Labeouf. Both know how to drive the ladies wild. They both have that skinny, creepy kid next door look about them. Shia battled machines in Transformers. Greg thought that was the coolest movie ever. Labeouf recently was arrested for drunk driving after hurting his hand in a crash. Once while drunk driving, Greg blew out a tire by veering up on the neutral ground. Runner-up: James Van Der Beek.

KELLI: Sandra Bullock. Both were cheerleaders in high school. Bullock was voted "most likely to brighten your day." My day is always a little brighter when I hear from Kelli. I've watched Bullock fall in love a lot in movies. I went to Kelli's wedding. In that case, Stephen will be played by Benjamin Bratt. Runner-up: Molly Shannon (like in those SNL cheerleader skits).

AMANDA: Keira Knightley. Both are pretty and classy. They also are the size of a toothpick. Knightley is from England. Amanda is from the West Bank. That's like a whole other country. In Pirates, Knightley's character is of royalty. Keeping in touch with Amanda can be a royal pain in the ass. Runner-up: The Olsen twins.

KAILA: Cobie Smulders (How I Met Your Mother). Both have flowing dark hair, and I think they look a lot alike. Smulders parents were Dutch and British. Kaila probably wouldn't mind that heritage. On the show, Smulders hangs out in a bar a lot. Sound familiar? Runner-up: Wonder Woman.

JENNA: Elizabeth Banks. They have similar terrific smiles, especially in the cheeks. Seth Rogen (Little Joe) and Banks are in an upcoming movie together: Zake and Miri Make a Porno. I think Rogen and Banks wanted to work on their chemistry for The Gene Pool movie. I'm not going to make a joke about the name of the movie. Runner-up: Chloe O'Brian.

AMY: Jennifer Aniston. Did you know that Aniston's father is Greek? I didn't. Rachel, er, Jennifer lived in Greece for a year when she was younger. Amy makes frequent visits to Greek. When Aniston's grandparents moved to the U.S., they opened a restaurant. Amy's parents own a restaurant. Who better to play Amy than a talented comedic actress with Greek roots? Runner-up: America Ferrera.

CHRISTINA: Brittany Murphy. Both are adorable. Murphy was full of life in Just Married and Uptown Girls (based on the previews anyway). She'll need all that energy and even more to portray Christina. Murphy's work on Clueless should like help her with this part. Runner-up: Kate Winslet.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom is reading the TV columnist's picks for Monday. He either says tape it or don't bother. He gave a don't bother to Two and a Half Men and CSI: Miami. That didn't please her. "Well, fuck. (She then talks about how much she likes CSI: Miami.) We all want to see who plugged the fucking boss."

She finishes reading the explanation for Monday's show of CSI: Miami. "Fuck you, Dave."

She browses the rest of Dave's picks. "Three fucking hours of Heroes? Are you kidding me?" (Hell, no.)

Mom is watching more episodes of Six Feet Under. "This show is fucking funny. (A character is taking a bath. A cat is next to something electric.) "It's going to knock that fucking electric thing in the water. Fucking cat is going to kill her. Ha. Ha."

I'm making me a sandwich in the kitchen. "Jesus. How long does it take to make a fucking sandwich?"

DID YOU KNOW?

Did you know that the NBA is where caring happens? You didn't forget this, did you? I know it's been a few months since the NBA season ended, but I must have saw a million (conservative estimate) commercials on this promotion. Yeah. The NBA Cares is the league's initiative to give back. "The NBA is where (fill in the blank)" is the commercial campaign, and the end of the promo is always: The NBA: where caring happens. What the NBA cares about is debatable. Charity? Ratings? Making LeBron move to New York?

With the Hornets set to report for training camp Saturday, the anticipation to once again learn that the NBA is where caring happens is growing by the day. Man, I hope the NBA doesn't change its promotional campaign this year. Can you imagine if the NBA didn't care anymore? The NBA: where we used to care. That would terrible. And the worst thing that's happened to me since I realized those Chevy commercials weren't airing anymore and I no longer know to whom this country belongs. I mean I know it used to be our country. But I don't think it is anymore.

SUCK ON THAT, PATRIOTS

I watched the third quarter of the Dolphins game and the highlights a few hundered times. They didn't get old. Do you remember what team ended the Patriots' undefeated regular season streak? Oh, yeah. It was the Dolphins. Do you know what was the last team to beat the Patriots in the regular season before Sunday? Oh, yeah. It was the Dolphins. That makes the Dolphins 2-2 in the past four meetings. Talk about an even matchup.

I wonder if this Wildcat formation will continue to be effective for the Fish. I don't know, but they sure as hell better keep using it. Getting the ball in Ronnie Brown's hands is a good thing. Keeping it out of Pennington's for a good number of plays is an even better thing.

SAINTS FOLLOW-UP: I'm not that upset about this guy being in the neutral zone on the big third-and-1 play Sunday. Yes, the Saints should have been given a first down. Then they would have gone a few more yards and lined the field goal up in the middle of the field. But, they shouldn't need some random dude getting called for a neutral zone infraction to pick up a measley yard. I was glad to see the shit hit the fan with this Deuce situation at Payton's press conference. Don't worry, fans. Deuce's "time will come." Whatever that means.

The Saints not converting on third-and-1 is killing them this season. Hey, it's like this year's version of Jason David getting burned.

PARTING SHOTS
We can hear the reporters' cop radio from the sports section. This came over Monday night.

Cop 1: You come up with the gayest shit.
Cop 2: Just for you.

We are running a chart of Shockey's sports hernia injury.

Jelly (handing the chart to Phil): Can you proof Shockey's groin for me?
Phil (looking at the chart): Something's missing. I guess maybe that's the problem.

Favre throws his second pick. We watch the highlight.

Me: Yeah. Favre is so awesome. (I'm about to say something more about Favre when the highlight finishes, and the camera shows a big-breasted Chargers cheerleader jumping up and down.) Whoa!

THE DAILY TOP LIST
The top five names I want to give my child. Assuming a boy, of course.

5) Peter Hulk Guillot.
Peter for Griffin and Petrelli. Hulk for Hogan. Initials: PHG. Like PHD but PHG. Or as Lopes says: Player Hating Graduate.

4) Olajuwon Miles Guillot.
Olajuwon for Hakeem. Miles for Les. Initials: OMG. So when people see him they can say OMG. And he can say: Yeah, I know.

3) Jack Aramis Guillot.
Jack for Bauer and Sparrow. Aramis for Ramirez. Initials: JAG. Like the TV show.

2) Dan Onomatopoeia Guillot.
Dan for Marino. Onomatopoeia for funsies. Initials: DOG. So people can come up to him and say, "What's up, dog?"

1) Bret Ignatius Guillot.
Bret for Hart. Ignatius for Loyola's founder. Initials: BIG. Well, you know.