NO. I WON'T BET YOU THAT THE TIGERS WIN.

I don't feel like college football season has been going on for three weeks. Feels more like it hasn't even started. I saw a few plays of the Southern Cal blowout last week. I saw the first half of the Appalachian State game before packing and leaving for Gustav. I didn't see but a quick highlight of the North Texas game. That all seems like preseason to me. Yet the season is basically on the line for LSU on Saturday.

LSU-Auburn has been the game the past few years. The winner gets an inside track on the SEC West. Why they don't put this game toward the end of the schedule, I don't know. It's too big a game to be played so early in the season. Both teams still are working out the kinks, but after Saturday, one will be way behind in the division race. Imagine how much better and epic these games would be if played at the end of the season. LSU and Auburn are working on a four-game awesome streak. Here's how I recall them. Forgive me if I misremember.

2004: The Screwjob Extra-Point Game. Auburn 10, LSU 9.

LSU and Auburn both kick a field and score a touchdown. LSU misses its extra point. So does Auburn. Except some random defensive personal foul penalty is called, and they let Auburn kick again. This time the kicker makes it. Also, Auburn drove the length of the field in the final minutes to get the touchdown.

2005: The That Guy Can't Make a Field Goal Game. LSU 20, Auburn 17. OT.

I'll always have fond thoughts of John Vaughn, the Auburn kicker who missed five field goals. He missed the fifth one in overtime from not that far away. I give myself partial credit as I was jumping and screaming in the student section directly behind the right upright that the ball bounced off.

2006: The No Interference Call / He Fell Like a Girl Game. Auburn 7, LSU 3.

LSU had two potential-winning drives in the fourth quarter, and I think they were in Auburn territory at some point in the third quarter and didn't score. On the first drive, JaMarcus throws down the seam to Bowe (I think). They throw a flag for interference, but after reviewing it, they wave it off. I think it was fourth down, but a penalty would have put LSU in the red zone or right near it. They were cruising on that drive. They would have scored. The officials waved off the flag because the ball had been tipped before the interference. Bullshit. Anyone with a pair of working eyes could tell that Bowe was hit before the ball was tipped. So what if the ball became uncatchable after the tip. There was interference prior to the tip.

On the last drive, LSU looks like they will pull it out. Then JaMarcus makes a JaMiscue by not throwing the ball away while scrambling. Instead he gets sacked and wastes most of the remaining time. So they had one play left. JaMarcus throws short of the end zone (a mistake in many people's eyes, but I think it gives you more of a chance) to Buster Davis, who catches it. All he has to do is make one move, and he's in the end zone. As Buster turns toward the end zone, the safety is coming at him full speed. Buster doesn't avoid the hit and braces for it by cradling up a bit. The safety doesn't hit him flush. Buster, however, does not break the tackle. Rather, he falls like a little girl onto the turf. Ballgame.

2007: The OMG. What Is He Doing? Game. LSU 30, Auburn 24.

In a back-and-forth tilt, Auburn takes a late 24-23 lead. LSU marches down the field. They get in position to try a 40-plus yard field goal with time running down. Just about everyone expects LSU to run up the middle, get a few yards, call timeout and try for the winning field goal as time expires. Instead, Les Miles, the unassuming genius, calls for a fly pattern to Byrd in the back of the end zone. Except, LSU still was acting like it was a run play. The damn play took forever to get called in and forever to be snapped. Flynn drops back to pass, and I'm thinking, 'Oh my God. What is he doing?' Byrd makes the catch, and the clock shows one second.

In reality, he caught it with like four seconds left, and three more ticks just went off. If the ball would have been batted away, LSU would have just kicked the field goal. I don't think the clock was in any real danger of running out. In case you can't tell, I like the decision a lot. In fact, I don't remember disagreeing with Miles on any of those crazy calls last season. I certainly wasn't expecting a pass, though. And heck, the Auburn defender wasn't fooled. He was right there.

What in the world are we going to see next from this rivalry?

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom talked to the across-the-street neighbor today. He bragged about the high intellect of his two children. "He said they pulled certain kids out of class to take a test. Not just any kids. Certain kids. Then his kid took the test, and they said he was superior. That's bullshit. What the fuck does that mean? They don't call kids fucking superior. Who the fuck says that? Maybe above average or something. But not superior. That's bullshit."

Mom still is pissed about him not finishing the caulking (thanks, Marcus and JRap) job. "I don't know how he makes money. Who pays him to work? I did a fucking better job than he did. He said he was going to come finish the job the next morning. I haven't heard from him."

I'm halfway to work Thursday when I get a call from mom. "You left here in such a fucking hurry, you left your bag on the couch. You betta come home and get it." I walk in the door to grab the bag. Mom hears the door open from the kitchen. Not exactly addressing me: "I saw the bag there and I said, 'What the fuck is he doing outside?' Then, I look outside, and he's fucking gone. Jesus Christ."

FASTEN YOUR SEATBELTS

Mom and I went to Oriental today for lunch. Normally when we go somewhere, mom drives. But Thursday she told me to take the wheel and "drive your mother for a change."

It's not that I wouldn't like to drive. It's just that I refuse to drive. When I'm behind the wheel, I tend to want to pull my hair out. Little clump by little clump. You see, Tina is what I like to call a correcter. Now, she didn't curse (except once) during the five-minute drive there and the five-minute drive back. But I had flashbacks of when I was 15, and we went driving for the first time.

--"Why are you driving so slow? You're going to get hit. I hope you don't drive like this all the time."

--"Why are you parking here? Park over there. You're too close to the next car. That old person is going to leave and bang the fuck out of your car."

--"What are you doing? Where did you learn how to merge?"

--"When you veered just now, you were halfway in the other lane. You took up half the lane. One of these times, you're going to get in a wreck, and it's going to be your fault."

--"Gene, hit the brakes. ... You almost rammed into that car. Why did you wait so late to hit the break? You drive so slow, and then you almost hit the car in front of you because you didn't break."

BOLD PREDICTION OF THE WEEK

The first installment of this segment comes from the mouth of Marcus. "Mark my words. Alabama will win the national championship within three years." He says that doesn't include this year. OK, boss.

PARTING SHOTS

D makes a joke. Liam and I laugh. JRap hesitates, then gets it.

JRap: I almost missed that one. Caught it on the warning track.

D is talking about recently seeing one of his favorite people.

"I wanted to choke him, I swear."

Marcus is talking about his ever-growing legend at Carenco.

Marcus: I'm in the rafters at the Cro Dome.

Liam: Yeah. That's where he sits when he attends events.

Marcus is inventing lies about me to make me sound more impressive.

Marcus: I'm just trying to build up your stature.

Derry: You need a crane to give him stature.

Retro quote: September 18, 2004.

D: "You should have seen me during Game 6 of the Giants-Angels series. My wife kept telling me: 'It's just a game. Calm down. Why are you getting so upset?' Just a game. ... Bullshit!"

THE DAILY TOP LIST

My top five least favorite TV characters who were on a show I liked.

5) Danny Heffernan. King of Queens.

Doug's cousin didn't add much of anything to the show. He basically replaced Richie, who I liked.

4) Vivian Banks. Fresh Prince of Bel Air.

Will's aunt was pretty much worthless. Both actresses did nothing for me.

3) Nikki Sanders. Heroes.

I like Ali Larter, but this character is the one negative from Season 1. She has super strength. Big whoop. If you delete her from the show, are we really missing anything?

2) Julie Kotter. Welcome Back, Kotter!

I just want to throw things at her. She wasn't funny. She wasn't attractive. She was aggravating. They should have just made Kotter single.

1) Herbert (the Pervert). Family Guy.

He was funny in his first episode with the whole paper-boy thing. When they started putting him in every freakin' episode for an old-men-are-perverted joke, I stopped laughing and rolled my eyes at every comment.