I spend a lot of my time watching TV. I'm sure you already knew that. So imagine my angst when I went all of last week without cable. We lost power in Baton Rouge on Monday afternoon and were still without it when I came home Wednesday afternoon. At my house, we could only get 4, 6 and 8. My options on Saturday afternoon were: tennis match, golf tournament or an interview with George Foreman (or maybe it was some other former champion).
During the evacuation, cable was not a top concern for me. Nor was it when the power first went out. I didn't even realize I missed Monday Night Raw until Wednesday. My concerns in order were: 1) survival of the Big Easy, 2) mom's safety (Harahan usually does well, so not No.1), 3) still having a job, 4) the recovery of the most impacted areas. Only when I knew the first three concerns were alleviated did I turn my attention to missing TV.
I felt lost for the whole week. The Cubs went into a big slump because I didn't have any access to their games. I couldn't tape any of my wrestling shows or Psych on Friday night. The cable line was down across the street, and I wasn't even sure if Cox knew about it. Or cared.
I was starting to plan long term. Like what happens if TV season starts, and we still have no cable? We can only tape one station at a time using rabbit ears and a VCR. Plus, mom and I only watch a few of the same shows, so there would be competition to see who gets control of the TV. And we all know who would win that one.
My contingency plan involved having Paul tape a lot of stuff for me and watching the rest on the Internet (which I also didn't have at home) by getting to work real early several days a week. That only helps with primetime TV, though.
What was I going to do about the World Series of Poker, Monday Night Football, Cubs games, SportsCenter, other sports shows, WWE 24-7 and the ability to pass the time by channel surfing? Also, how would I blog on my off days with no Internet at home? Basically, my life was starting to fall apart. I'd rather be without power than without cable.
Mom called Saturday night to inform me that the cable was back on. Hallelujah. I'm back in business baby. Mom said: "The fucking lines are still down. I don't think that had anything to do with our cable being out." I wonder if we'll get credit on our bill for not having cable for a week. Probably not. But at least it will cause mom to go on a cursing rant about Cox.
THE TINA CURSING CORNER
My mom still is excited about the decrease in her Entergy bill. "What the fuck happened with my light bill? That's funny."
Mom is not going outside for a few days. "It took me five days to clean the fucking yard. Every body's shit." (Then later.) "If fucking Ike hits, I can't clean for another five days."
"The fucking newspaper puts TV listings every day. Why don't they have FX?" (It does.)
We are watching the end of an episode of "What's Happening Now!!" Mom thinks we are watching "What's Happening!!" "What's going on here? Where the fuck are the main characters?"
"I wonder if my hair appointment will get moved again. I still can't believe she asked me to go last Friday (actually the Friday before that) to Severn and fucking Vets."
I'm repeating Nagin's speech about Gustav growing more powerful every day. "It's a fucking commercial." (Yes, it is. On WWL.)
Mom comes into my room. She sees the arm of my T-P chair is broken. "What the fuck did you do to your chair?"
The plug adapter thingy in my room is broken. We are in the process of fixing it. "Put the fucking plug in. ... Hold on to the fucking thing." A few seconds later.
Mom: What is this?
Me: I don't know.
Mom: You can't even answer me. Something's got to be plugged in the motherfucker."
I haven't cleaned up a mess I made when I was packing to leave for Gustav. I did after this outburst. "You haven't done anything I asked you to do. There is shit everywhere. I can't even get into your fucking room."
DID YOU KNOW?
Did you know that the city of Orlando is in the state of Florida? You did? Come on. Don't lie to me. What makes Orlando so important that you know so much about it?
The Associated Press, however, doesn't believe that enough people are aware that Orlando is in Florida. The AP style book doesn't list Orlando as a city that can be written without its state behind it. So in newspapers across the country, this sentence can appear: Disney World is in Orlando, Fla. Yes, really. Does the AP know that the Magic Kingdom and Universal Studios are in Orlando? I think that qualifies as important enough for the city to stand alone. Some other cities that don't need to be followed by the state: Milwaukee, Minneapolis, Baltimore, etc.
Enough people have vacationed in Orlando over the years (including me twice) for the city to qualify as not needing its state in the dateline. I've been on a mostly silent campaign in the past few years to rectify this egregious error. It's time to go all FEMA on the AP and become proactive on this matter. I'll think I'll start with a letter to the AP offices. Then come the angry phone calls. The final step is a protest outside the AP headquarters. Who is with me?
SWIMMING WITH THE FISHES
I watched the Dolphins-Jets game late Sunday night. The Fish looked better than I thought they would and gave me hope for a decent season. On their two touchdown drives, the Dolphins looked like a real offense. They ran well, they protected, they got open, Pennington hit several receivers, they made moves in the open field. But I must rant on the mistakes that gave the Jets a five-game winning streak over us. Those bastards.
1) Whoever #24 is blew it on Favre's fourth-down touchdown pass that he threw up for grabs as he got hit. #24 had the middle of the field covered, and then for some unknown reason decided to sprint to the line of scrimmage, only to see the ball float over his head. He couldn't recover. Was he afraid Favre was going to make a run for it? For a 13-yard gain? With three people already grabbing at him?
2) The Dolphins trailed 20-7 with nine minutes left and had third-and-goal from the 2. They then run two pass plays. Ronnie Brown and Ricky were both effective in the game. How bout a running play, coach? On third down, they ran a fade to the rookie Bess from Hawaii. I don't think he's even six feet. On fourth down, they ran a play with one receiver in the pattern. One.
3) The Dolphins trailed 20-14 with under three minutes to play. The Jets have the ball and are content on running three times and punting. Wussies. The Fish have one timeout left and tackle Thomas Jones with 2:17 remaining on second down. Instead of calling timeout, then stopping them on third and having them punt at the two-minute warning, the Dolphins let the clock run down to the two-minute warning. On third down, they stuff the run and call the final timeout with 1:53 left. That wasted seven seconds, which they could have used on the final drive.
4) The Dolphins have the ball at the Jets 18 with 13 seconds left (could have been 20). It's third down. With 20 seconds left, you can throw over the middle for the first down and still have time to spike the ball. But with 13 seconds, you have to throw for the end zone. Nobody is open on the play. The pressure is coming. Instead of throwing the ball away and trying on fourth down, Pennington throws a jump ball to the corner of the end zone that is intercepted. Damn.
DOWN GO MY FANTASY TEAMS
The most balanced good news-bad news I've heard in some time came my way early Monday. Tom Brady is out for the season. Good news because I hate him and the Patriots. Their season is now in serious jeopardy. Though I still think they win the division. Good news because I didn't pick them to even make the AFC championship. That looks better. Bad news because he is my quarterback on both of my pay fantasy teams. Uffa.
The Gene Poolers have the best contingency plan in fantasy history. I put Tom Brady on the bench (keeper league) and insert Tony Romo, who I also drafted. I was trying to drive up the price on Paul during the auction, and he gave up. I was going to trade Homo for a top-flight receiver at some point. I think this leaves the Poolers in good shape.
The Dos Agateers, however, took the hit really hard. Our backup quarterback is Trent Edwards. Boy, oh, boy. Liam called me Monday afternoon to discuss options. They are: Matt Cassell, Chad Pennington, Jason Campbell and Jeff Garcia. Not exactly the Four Horsemen. Woooo! I tell him the best option is Garcia (though he also is nicked up) because the Bucs offense will have the ball a lot. But at this point, we are not sure what we will do. There's always next year.
For those of you interested, both The Gene Poolers and Dos Agateers were victorious in Week 1 despite losing their quarterback early in the game.
PARTING SHOT
My mom disturbed me in this outburst Monday. See if you can figure out why.
"I saw some commotion down on Hickory earlier by those apartments. Must have been 20 freaking cops down there. Whole bunch of people in handcuffs."
THE DAILY TOP LIST
My top five at-least slightly famous women.
5) Kate Hudson. Age 29.
Currently, my favorite actress. She's not the hottest one out there, but for me, she has a certain charm about her. She captured my heart in "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days" and caught my eye in "Skeleton Key."
4) Mickie James. Age 29.
My second-favorite women's wrestler of all-time. She's a rare combination of looks and talent.
3) Jenna Fischer. Age 34.
On "The Office," she has this sexy hometown girl quality. The kind of girl you want to bring home to mom. In "Blades of Glory," however, I saw her in a different light. That scene in the hotel room is hot.
2) Erin Andrews. Age 30.
She makes me want to watch sideline interviews. She's always got some interesting outfit on. I don't really pay attention to the person she's interviewing. Plus, she seems like she knows her stuff.
1) Courtney Rachel Culkin. Age 25.
Playmate of the Month in April 2005. I don't really know much about her, outside of her profile in the magazine. But she has the best body I've ever seen.
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