THE GENE POOL MOVIE: PART IV.

I'm starting to worry about actors' egos on the set. We have a lot of big stars and will need many individual trailers. Since this film seems to have an unlimited budget, maybe I can hire Chuck Norris to keep the peace. This is also the penultimate edition of casting. Today's installment consists of people I've known since at least high school or associate with now through people I've known since at least high school.

PAUL: Jason Alexander. Paul's favorite show is Seinfeld on which Alexander starred as George. Both George and Paul have struggled with women over the years. Plus, Paul might be losing his hair. Runner-up: Kevin Smith.

BERT: Kevin James. Neither has ever been bashful around food. In several episodes of King of Queens, James goes on a diet to trim down. Bert has done so many times and pretty successfully with Atkins recently. Both of them have upbeat senses of humor and make me laugh consistently. Runner-up: The ever-busy Gene Pool star Seth Rogen (for the curly hair).

MINKUS: Daniel Radcliffe. Radcliffe plays Harry Potter, worshiped by nerds, geeks and dorks around the world. Depending on your definition, Minkus might be all three of those rolled into one. They both wear spectacles. And Paul tells me that Harry Potter tried to get with an Asian. Runner-up: The original Minkus.

KELLY: Sarah Chalke. This will be an easy gig for Chalke. All she has to do is play the Elliot Reed character from Scrubs. Elliot and Kelly can go from super excited to down in the dumps in the snap of a finger. Their bangs get in their hair. Look, she even came to my 24th birthday party dressed like the doctor. Runner-up: That little girl from Little Miss Sunshine.

DAVID: Seth Green. In Can't Hardly Wait, Seth's character thinks he's gangsta like Johan Santana. David often acts and talks like he's a gangsta. Both are short and feisty. David's father, however, is not an evil genius. But we won't let that stop the casting. Runner-up: Matt Damon (see Allen).

JACOB: Jack Black. Jacob fancies himself a younger Jack Black. He quotes Black fairly often and has Black's CD memorized. They are both stocky and rock crazy-ass facial hair. Runner-up: Jeff Bridges as The Dude. 

ALLEN: Ryan Reynolds. These fellows are both tall and heartthrobs. They share a similar sarcastic sense of humor. Runner-up: Ben Affleck (See David).

BONES: Michael Richards. Both are tall, lanky and sort of disgusting. As Kramer, Richards once turned his apartment into a smoking den. Bones smokes a pack a sitting. Kramer and Bones have gotten around, if you know what I mean. Runner-up: Is Joe Camel alive?.

DAD: Harrison Ford. When I was a kid, I always imagined my dad as a hero. He told me he could flick off the light switch and be comfortably in bed before the light went out. I believed him and would try at night to do it myself. Ford is the ultimate hero. Perfect match. Runner-up: Tom Selleck (almost cast as Indiana Jones).

MOM: Marissa Tomei. Both are beautiful Italian firecrackers. Marissa got her start on As the World Turns. My mom watches that show every day. Plus, Marissa has had practice cursing in My Cousin Vinny. "Bam, a fucking bullet rips off part of your head ... Now I ask you, would you give a fuck what kind of pants the son of a bitch who shot you was wearing?" Mom thinks that movie is "fucking hilarious." Runner-up: Wanda Sykes. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom is not a big fan of our light bill. "We can't even pay the fucking light bill."

DID YOU KNOW?

Did you know that there is only one October? Yup. It only comes once a year. There aren't two or three or 658. There is only one. I swear it's just the one. I learned this last year during the one October of 2007. This Major League Baseball campaign for the playoffs is annoying and moronic. No shit October comes once a year. So does January, February, etc. So does Christmas, Easter, Halloween, etc. There is only one daylight savings time. Wait. Scratch that one. But plenty of things come once a year. That doesn't show how the baseball playoffs are special. It just shows that the playoffs are a lot like other things. 

I wasn't sure if the campaign would continue this season or be replaced. The other day I saw a commercial with the same theme. Good. Because I thought they might forget that there is, in fact, only one October and the bitch starts Wednesday. 

At least, it will be just October this year. And not Rocktober. Next year, they might have to change the campaign. I think the World Series may end in November. Did you know that there is only one first week of November?

PARTING SHOTS

I'm at the casino after work. I guy sits next to me with a regular Cubs hat on. A Six Beers a few spots over looks over at him. 

"Is that Cleveland or Chicago?"

I couldn't believe somebody could confuse a Cubs hat with something else. I figure he just had no clue about sports. But then 10 minutes later, he looks at my Dolphins hat. "Hey. We're rivals. I'm from Buffalo."

Retro quote: September 29, 2004

Kelly Brown meets some Marooners while we're watching Jeopardy! We'll all juniors and seniors.

Kelly (leaving the office): So, Darren, are you a freshman?

THE DAILY TOP LIST

The top five times I've been present and felt bad for somebody. Not counting major tragedies such as death and hurricanes. Sorry for the painful memories conjured up here.

5) I forget the kid's name. Summer 1995.

I helped my dad coach an 8-year-old baseball team. I was hitting ground balls to the infielders when I accidentally smacked a kid in the face with the bat on my follow through. There was blood everywhere. Luckily, there was no major damage. Yeah. Luckily.

How I helped: I apologized profusely, and I got the bag of ice.

4) Chuck. April 2004.

Chuck and I watched the national championship between UConn and Georgia Tech. It was a blowout, but Ga. Tech started to make a comeback. Poor Chuck got a little excited and thought it might happen for the Yellow Jackets. It didn't.

How I helped: I sat there and helped him finish off a bottle of whiskey.

3) Johnny. February 2002.

In the infamous Brother Martin 3-0 state quarterfinals loss, the Saders scored their second goal (and really the game-ender) off a mistake by Johnny, who was my best friend on the team. He had the ball up near midfield as we were making a push to tie the score. Unfortunately, he tripped and fell. A Sader got the ball, there was no other defender back and the Sader beat the goal keeper. Ballgame. 

How I helped: I pick him up off the ground and rubbed his head for encouragement. 

2) Lisa. August 2005.

Lisa and I went to a Slackers party after a game one night. She left her car at my house. When we were on our way back, Lisa got a distress call from her mother. She was freaked out after getting called by the cops to report to the scene of an accident. Turns out, Lisa's car was totaled by a drunk driver. They caught him because they followed the trail of gas his car began spilling after the hit-and-run. My mom slept through most of the incident, despite two fire trucks and four cop cars being in front of our house with their lights flashing.

How I helped: A big hug and a bottle of water. 

1) Paul. September 2005.

I came back from a wild night at the bar in Baton Rouge to find Paul curled up on the couch sobbing. His fiancee had just given him the ring back and ended it after three-plus years. It wasn't a pretty sight.

How I helped: I held him and let him cry on my shoulder.