THE DAILY TOP LIST
My five favorite T-shirts from a Web site called snorgtees.com. They have plenty of more cool ones. As a rule, I disqualified any idea stemming from a TV show or movie.

5.

I'm such a nerd.

4.

Uh.

3.

Hilarious, though I'm pretty sure the chicken did.

2.

Now, that's cool.

1.

Combines gambling and something I say all the time.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom showed me some pictures from our first trip to Panama City when I was 2. "Man, you had some fucking white hair."

This is our conversation right after that.
Me: How bout some breakfast?

Mom: No, can I help do something? Fuck you. Nothing.

Mom walks into my room to clean it. "Where do I begin? Where do I fucking begin? I'm just going around this bullshit. I can't deal with it."

The rest of mom's attention Tuesday was focused on Michael Jackson and TV coverage.

-- "They expecting millions of people. Yeah, but he ain't no fucking Elvis. ... They expecting millions of fucking people on the street, and guess what? Not a soul showed up. When Elvis was buried, they had people lined up on the fucking freeway."

-- On her soaps not coming on: "I don't know what's going on. The fucking TV people don't even know. ... Hey, Paulsen. What about the Young & the Restless, dickhead. You still ain't got no fucking clue."

-- "Every time I get going on a good day, Fuck! I'm trying to clean the fucking house, and the TV starts acting up."

-- To Katie Couric: "You an asshole. She is the worst journalist. You don't know a fucking thing about Michael Jackson. What did you do? Read a book?"

ON THIS DATE IN GENE POOL HISTORY

2008: My Jetta made one year. Let's go through the stats. With 2009 updates for its second birthday in italics.

-- Three drivers (two accused of stealing it). Same.
-- Two oil changes (one successful). Four (two successful).
-- Five washes (two by Volkswagen). Seven washes (four by VW.)
-- Action: One girl. Same.
-- Gas the first time I filled up: 2.59; Gas at 1 year: 3.99. Gas at 2 years: 2.55.
-- Miles: 7,100. 13,992.
-- Damage: a dent from a baseball; a staple in the back passenger tire. Broken horn; Broken windshield wiper; Egg in front passenger tire, which was the new one from the staple.
-- Cop instances: One. For starting the car through the intersection before the light turned. Same.>

PARTING SHOT

I met Liam, Derry and his stepson Blair, 11, at the Zephyrs-Cubs game Tuesday. Blair is wearing a Cleary All-star T-shirt.

Me: I have one like that. Except it says 1996.

Blair (excitedly): You played at Cleary?

Me: Yup. There's a banner with my name on it in the gym.

Blair (excitedly): Really? For what?

Me: 11 & 12 soccer parish champs.

Blair (disappointed): Soccer? (Rolls eyes.) Oh-kay. I played soccer. ... When I was 7.

LIGHTS. CAMERA. ACTION.

I have two movie ideas. Both are of the romantic comedy variety. I can tell you're excited.

1) A twisted romantic comedy about two people who meet on a plane trip across country. They are both recently single and sit next to each other. Throughout the plane ride, they exchange stories about past relationships and how they went wrong.

Based on the events of these stories, they realize they are perfect for each other. Just as they hold hands toward the end of the trip, however, the plane crashes, and they die.

2) A sweet romantic comedy about a dude in his 30s who realizes at the start of the film that his life sucks. His marriage isn't working out, and he just got laid off. Through some type of sci-fi magic, he wakes up during his freshman year of college.

This is where he made all the mistakes that have his life fucked up. He picks a new major, and when that epic moment arrives that he had thought about at the start of the film, he makes a move on the girl of his dreams.

But since he's messing with the past, other things go out of whack. He fixes those and is sent back to his mid 30s where he has a good job and three kids with the right girl. Tear. The end.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

I call out for my mom once I enter the house to tell her something.
Me: "Ma! Ma!"
Mom: "Don't talk to me when I'm on the fucking toilet!"

Mom didn't want me to get my vegetables today. "We ain't opening up a fucking can of corn."

Mom looks at the sink. "Where the fuck did all these dishes come from?"

RANDOM THOUGHT OF EVERY SO OFTEN

To prevent parents from leaving their children to die in their hot-ass cars, some auto industry person should invent a sensory feature that makes a loud sound if someone tries to close all their doors with a live being in the car. Works for small children and dogs.

THIS DATE IN GENE POOL HISTORY

2008: Tina bought a Wii and worked on her bowling game. I predicted then that she would get bored with the Wii and bring it back within the month. While we still have the Wii, it hasn't been touched in 2009. So, I was kind of correct.

DID YOU KNOW?

Did you know that Sarah Palin is leaving her post as governor of Alaska? Did you know that Steve McNair was killed?

PARTING SHOT
Danny enjoys hearing my loud laugh from across the news room.

Danny (in text): It's a high-pitched beacon of hope for the future of our troubled industry.

THE DAILY TOP LIST
My top five TV poker episodes.

5) Sanford and Son. The Card Sharps. Season 2.
Fred tries to warn Lamont not to play with some hustlers, but Lamont doesn't listen.

4) Psych. Poker? I Barely Know Her. Season 1.
Sean enters a no-limit tournament to catch a killer.

3) King of Queens. Head First. Season 1.
Doug gets more than he bargained for when he lets Arthur join his poker game. One of Arthur's games is called San Diego Scooby Doo.

2) Family Matters. A Pair of Ladies. Season 3.
Urkel plays with the cops, and hilarity/tragedy ensues.

1) Friends. The One with all the Poker. Season 1.
The girls lose to the boys and seek outside help for payback.

Chandler: Rach, Rach, we gotta settle.
Rachel: Settle what?
Chandler: The Jamestown colony of Virginia. You see, King George is giving us the land, so ...

LET'S HAVE A TOURNAMENT SOON.

Back in the legendary summer of 2003, we played a lot of wiffle ball at night in the Peace Quad. That is until Officer Vi (?) made us stop by threatening to arrest Nick and the such.

We tried to explain to Officer Vi that a wiffle ball can't do any damage no matter how hard you hit. But she didn't buy it.

Vi: Anything can break a window if it's hit hard enough.
Nick: Not a pillow. That can't break it.
Vi: Ya'll gonna have to play somewhere else. Like in the park.
Nick: But we'll get raped.
Vi: Look. I've had enough of your attitude. Take your waffle ball someplace else or I'll arrest you. And what's with all the beer? You can't have that here.

It's been waffle ball ever since. Lopes and I (joined by Derry and JRap on Friday) have played for thirty minutes each of the past two nights at Peter Finney Field by the T-P parking lot. On Saturday night, we designated points to all the spots the ball could land in after being hit.

We then went after it for three innings, with me winning by the ridiculous score of 82-31. Lopes hit into some bad luck, as his balls kept landing on the sidewalk, the only area earning zero points.

There's one area that gets 50 points, and the rest is 15 and below. Home plate is a tree.

We're hoping to successfully expand our league like the NFL in 2002 and not like the Arena League or WNBA.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom is upset because the punk kids of the neighborhood left a stain on our driveway with their fireworks. "Had to get out there and fucking pressure wash it this morning."

I tell mom that my cousin got married a few weeks ago. "We weren't invited? That's such bullshit."

Mom and I browse around Best Buy. "Fucking Weeds is down to $14.99." (I spent my time at the store writing down movies to add to my Netflix.)

We drive by the expensive houses on Citrus. Mom is captivated by one house in particular with black gates. "Wow. Look at that motherfucker."

MOVIE WEEK IN REVIEW

Bounce. 2000. How did Ben Affleck's career not take off after this? Stop laughing. I'm serious.

Quantum of Solace. 2008. I watched it twice to make sure I wasn't missing something. Nope, I was right the first time. It sucked.

12 Rounds. 2009. Better than expected. Liked the scenes shot on Canal Street. Too similar to Die Hard 3.

ON THIS DATE IN GENE POOL HISTORY

2008: While admitting the DVR is far superior, I gave five reasons that the VCR is better.

PARTING SHOTS
Mike tells me he was on the phone earlier with a writer, and the conversation went too long.

Mike: I tried to get him off.
Me: That's what Ted said.

Lopes and I watched the ending of the Louisiana House vs. the Louisiana Senate basketball game Sunday afternoon on CST. Hey, it was unintentionally funny. The House won 71-60.

CST announcer: The House won, but the Senate has gained a lot of people's respect. (Uh.)

THE DAILY TOP LIST
Lopes, playing some sort of magic trick, asked me what my favorite color is Sunday. I'll expand on that answer with possibly the lamest top five ever.

5) Black.
Saints. Back in.

4) Purple.
LSU. Barney.

3) Orange.
Dolphins. Halloween.

2) Blue.
Blue is for boy. Cubs.

1) Red.
Rummel. Hulkamania. Communism.

HAPPY 233RD BIRTHDAY, AMERICA

We can all rest easy now. I watched Independence Day on the Fourth of July, a tradition I started way back in 2002. Of course, the one year I didn't view it, 2005, the shit hit the fan in late August.

Because of that, I've made a solemn pledge to the city of New Orleans to watch the Will Smith Blockbuster every July 4th for the rest of my life. I'm so superstitious about it that I'm still watching the VHS like I did in 2002, even though I own the DVD. We all have to do our part.

My favorite line? I thought you'd never ask. In a meeting to launch an attack on the aliens, Will says: "No, sir. (I'm) just a little anxious to get up there and whoop E.T.'s ass. That's all."

Also, for the big American holiday, Tina fixed ribs (with potato salad and broccoli) and brownies. For dessert, I threw down four brownies with a scoop of vanilla ice cream and hot fudge on top. Yummy. I brought the rest of the batch to work as part of Jelly's farewell.

I was disappointed that some of my co-workers ordered Chinese for dinner. Yeah, on the birthday of our great nation. How un-American. How dare they. The Statue of Liberty sheds a tear.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom strolls down the hallway at 2 a.m. Saturday. "People are out there shooting fireworks. Like fucking go to bed."

She stays up for a few minutes and tells me some pop culture news. "You hear about the oldest Jonas brother? Fucking 21. He's engaged. Fucking insane."

Our TV guide doesn't have the schedule for tomorrow. It says no data. "What's with this shit? It's the next fucking day!"

When I woke up Saturday, I ask mom if she liked my headline (DOUBLE VISION) on the front page of sports. "Jesus Christ. What you think I been doing all day? Think I have time to fucking browse your little headline?"

Mom was excited that our electric bill took a significant drop from this time last year.
Me: What do you think made the difference?
Mom: The new vent and not changing the fucking temperature.

Mom didn't much care for Quantum of Solace. "Too much bullshit going on. I can't watch that shit."

RANDOM THOUGHT OF EVERY SO OFTEN

Why do commercials have to be so much louder than the TV show? Sometimes, I purposely have the TV low, but then the commercials start and boom!, it's loud. They think that's going to make me pay more attention and buy into the products? No. It pisses me off.

ON THIS DATE IN GENE POOL HISTORY

2008: I watched Independence Day and talked about seeing free fireworks at Zephyr Field the night before. The game went into extra innings, and I made it out there from work in time to see the end of the game and the free show. Coincidentally, the Zephyrs went into extras last night as well.

PARTING SHOT
Max and D are discussing the murder of Steve McNair.

D: Man, I'm dying to know ... Wait, that's a bad word. I mean, I want to know what really happened.

THE DAILY TOP LIST
My favorite five poker dealers.

5) Cookie. Harrah's.
In a way, the perfect dealer. If the table is having fun, she joins right in. If the table is quiet and/or boring, she adds some life to it, usually by being a smart-ass.

4) Terri. Argosy.
He was the wise-old sage of Baton Rouge. Dealt me pocket aces three times once in 30 minutes. And all three won.

3) Hamilton. Harrah's.
Even though I seem to always lose with him at the helm. We do exchange fist pounds.

2) Mac. Argosy.
Closest dealer to my age. Probably the coolest one I've ever had. He's Bert and David's favorite.

1) Jamie. Harrah's.
Even though he's a Jets fan. I've had some of my biggest runs with him dealing.

SPORTS ISN'T EVERYTHING. IT'S THE ONLY THING.
A possibly funny look at the recent wide world of sports.

1) At the casino last night (hey, the jackpot is $220,000), there was a Michael Vick discussion.
Player 1: I really wish the Saints would get Mike Vick.
Player 2: Yeah me, too. He would fit well.

What? Are you f'n kidding me? As Lopes said, "And Stallpepper? What about Brandon Marshall? And Plaxiglass? Ou ou and Ochocinco? Why I keep namin' WRs?" Also, we don't need a quarterback. What is wrong with these people? Have they not seen or heard of Drew Brees?

2) The ESPN ticker said that "Jeremy Mayfield can't find a ride" to Saturday's NASCAR race. What? The bus stopped passing in front of his neighborhood?

3) NBA free agency.
a) The Rockets got Ariza, and the Lakers got Artest. So, in this trade, shouldn't we, as in Houston, get something in addition to make it even? I'll take Shannon Brown or Luke Walton.

b) The Big Three for the Celtics and their management all went to meet with Rasheed Wallace to woo him to Boston. Wait. Who the fuck do these people think they are? Just going around recruiting free agents with private meetings. That's bullshit. They offer him a hooker, too?

4) Last season, the Cubs were the best team in the NL and coasted to the playoffs. Many thought it was their year (including me), blah, blah, blah. This year, a lot of folks have given up on the Cubbies. And rightfully so.

But wouldn't it be something if the year the curse was finally broken was a year when they started slow, people gave up and then they rise from the ashes to make a late run and win it all?

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

While I was at work Thursday, my mom called. She was pissed because the street our hotel is on for vacation wouldn't come up on the GPS when she typed it in. "The fucking road has been there for years. How come it isn't in there?" (She threatened not to go because of this.)

Of course, when I typed in the street early Friday, it came right up. I then realized mom didn't put a space between the two words of the street when she typed it in. "Fucking spaces. I don't even know how to do that." (I showed her.)

Mom yelled at herself when she woke up early Friday. "You left everything out. Jesus Christ, Tina! You need to start doing shit before you go to bed."

Mom puts in our lunch order and then hangs up. "Fucking out of crabs and crawfish. Just blows my fucking day apart." (She had boiled shrimp.)

RANDOM THOUGHT OF EVERY SO OFTEN

Why don't bank robbers make the teller count out the money one bill at a time to avoid getting that ink stuff in their little take-home bag? Sure, this will take longer and maybe they won't get away with as much money, but it will help them, in fact, get away.

ON THIS DATE IN GENE POOL HISTORY
Another new feature for Year 2 of the site.

2008: I had an oil change appointment at Volkswagen that went horribly wrong. The oil all leaked out because they didn't put the cap back on properly. They then sent a tow truck to pick up the car from my house and redo it.

At one point, Tina thought the workers were stealing my car. Fun stuff. Tina summed up the day in which my 8 a.m. appointment ended at 6:30 p.m.: "I can do an oil change. A fucking ape can do a fucking oil change."

PARTING SHOTS
As I exit the bathroom at the casino Thursday night, I pass a guy on a pay phone. Who uses those anymore?

Guy on phone: Yeah. He's chasing her around like a little puppy dog. (Pause.) I don't know. Some young fucking punk.

Friday at work, I complain about a segment on Baseball Tonight concerning NL wild card sleepers. All the people on the show did was talk about the Giants.

JRap: But they're leading the wild-card race.
Me: That's what I kept yelling at the TV.
JRap: But that's your problem. The TV doesn't have ears.
Derry: Yes it does. Rabbit ears.

Then, later on.

Me: There's like 11 teams that can win the wild card.
JRap: But remember, the Giants are asleep.
Me: And you never want to wake a sleeping giant.

We're talking about the length of the news in briefs.

Derry: Gene's never seen a girls' briefs.
Lopes: That's because Megan never wore underwear.
Derry: Let's take a donation for Gene to go to Airline.
Me: Fourth of July fireworks, indeed.

THE DAILY TOP LIST
The top five rules I would change in sports.

5) Baseball improvements.
a) For it to be a hit batsman, I demand blood. Or at least some pain. None of this touched the uniform nonsense.
b) If a pitcher makes the error, it should count against his ERA and not be an unearned run.
c) If a guy loses the ball in the sun, it shouldn't be an error or a double (for the hitter or against the pitcher), it should be something else that someone smarter than me makes up.
d) No designated hitter. But did that really need to be said?

4) NFL pass interference.
The NFL needs degrees of pass interference. One that puts the ball at the spot of the foul for blatant tackling of the receiver and the such, and another 10 or 15-yard penalty for small stuff like tripping and arm grabbing. Teams shouldn't get 40 or 50 yards of field position because the cornerback got his legs tangled with the receiver's legs.

3) NBA man-in-the-air call.
When an offensive player gets his man in the air, he shouldn't be allowed to make contact with the defender to draw a foul. You get your man up in the air, you go around him. The new rule should be if the offender then creates the contact, it's an offensive foul.

2) NFL overtime.
Get rid of this first-one-to-score-wins bullshit. Both teams should get the ball at least once. There are many options in which to go about this. All are better than the current system.

1) No ties in soccer.
I've hated this since the first game I played when I was eight ended in a tie. I was like, "Wait. That's it? Nobody wins? This is a sport?"

The solution: Scrap the penalty kicks. After the last overtime ends in a tie, you play another 15-minute overtime, but each teams must take two players off the field and play 9-vs.-9. Still tied? 7-vs.7. 6-vs.-6. 5-vs.-5. Eventually, someone will score.

OH, THE TIMES THEY ARE A-CHANGING

The month of July is bringing major changes to my work situation. For selfish reasons, I wouldn't describe any of them as positive or exciting.

Within a few weeks, we will be losing three people from our sports desk. These are three of my favorite people. When I arrived at work Thursday and realized this was happening (like Jack Black punting Baxter) for real, it was all I could do not to break down and cry. I hid my emotions.

Jelly: Doesn't this make you sad?
Me: You don't even know.

Lopes is departing the company to teach at Holy Cross. Jelly is moving across the room to work on the online desk. Marcus is working days as the assistant sports editor, and Brick becomes our man in charge at night.

Congratulations to all these fine folks. I'm happy for them. But I'm sad for me.

Without Jelly and Marcus, what's going to happen to Parting Shots? Without Lopes, who's going to let me talk to them about wrestling for an hour every week? I tell ya, this blows. Without Jelly, who am I going to get blog ideas from, gossip with and ask incessant questions to about how to do my job? Without Marcus, who will be my mentor?

Besides the emotions, this also means that work will be more difficult. That's three fewer people on the schedule. You do the math. Plus, those three are the next three youngest people on the desk. I'm now working with people all in their 40s and older.

My heart hearts. I'm handcuffing Jelly to her desk on her last shift Saturday. That should work.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom is watching the Guiding Light. "This girl here is fucking nine months pregnant in real life, and they been trying to hide it. Now, they write in that she's pregnant. Well, she fucked Frank three months ago. She didn't know she was pregnant?"

One from a while back I never used. "You can't depend on your friends. The only person you can depend on is me. And when I'm gone, you're shit out of luck. Because you'd forget your head if it wasn't attached."

RANDOM THOUGHT OF EVERY SO OFTEN

Facebook should have a quiz (and maybe they already do, and I missed it) to see which Beatles album you are. I hope mine is Help!

PARTING SHOTS
D is looking at the budget Thursday.

D: What is BBM?
Marcus: Bad Bowel Movement.

Liam and I are watching the Cubs-Brewers game.

Me (sarcastically): If Milton Bradley gets going, watch out, cuz it's over.
Liam: Game over. Get it?

Liam and I are talking about burning in the sun on vacation in Florida.

Jelly: Liam, your Irish.
Liam: No shame in that.
Me: No seamus. Ha.
Derry: No seamus in your gamus.

THE DAILY TOP LIST
My favorite five bar games.

5) Pool.
Better played drunk.

4) Trivia.
Sip some suds. Gain knowledge.

3) Darts.
I can't hit the bull's eye.

2) Shuffleboard.
Can get pretty intense.

1) Ping pong.
I like to put spin on the ball.

HAS IT REALLY BEEN THAT LONG? YES.  

Today is the 365th day in a row I've had a blog entry. That's right. I made it the whole year. And I couldn't have done it without you. Well, actually, I could have, but it wouldn't have been as fun.

It seems like it has been a year since Paul picked up a hooker on Airline, and Tina matter-of-factly said that a blow job on that street costs 20 bucks. Oh, the good times we've shared in the past 12 months. I will treasure the memories always. Hope you enjoyed the ride as well.  

This posting gives me a real sense of accomplishment. Sure, I don't collect a prize or win anything, but I did gain a sense of respect for myself by sticking it out. As sad as it may be, this goal provided me with a purpose. And a way to pass the time and prevent boredom. 

Now, on to the next challenge: getting a life.  

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom watched a special on the life and times of Michael Jackson. "He recorded new songs and left them to his kids. That's gonna fly off the fucking shelf when they release 'em." 

Mom isn't happy with the recent TV choices. "They got some fucking shit coming on TV this summer." 

Mom sees my new insurance card and registration sitting on the counter. "You better put that shit in your car." (They go into effect Tuesday.) 

FOUR CORNERS

A closer look at The Gene Pool World.

-- The temperature in my car made a drastic change Monday. When I first started the car, the temperature was 107. By the time I reached the T-P parking lot, it read 79. 

Sure, there was a torrential downpour in the middle there somewhere, but still that's a heck of a drop in 18 minutes. 

 

-- My current favorite phrase is "This blows." A lot of stuff has blown recently. Observe: 

Yao's foot injury

The second half of the U.S.-Brazil soccer match

Recent work developments 

The Cubs record and Mark DeRosa with the Cardinals

The July Yat-Together

-- I interacted with 12 peeps in my circle Tuesday. That's got to be some sort of record for me without a major function.  

-- I've received a lecture from each of my parents about getting some sun before vacation. Of course, I didn't listen to my dad's speech as I put the phone down while he went on and on. 

RANDOM THOUGHT OF EVERY SO OFTEN

A new feature as we enter Year 2 of The Gene Pool. 

Why do they even bother asking you to choose theatrical version or unrated version on movie DVDs? Like, hello. Which one do you think I'm going to pick?  

PARTING SHOT

Little Joe and I watched the Cubs-Pirates game Wednesday night at Bruno's. Chuck and Bob stopped by separately during the course of the evening. As Joe and I were leaving, I notice a stop sign loose in the ground. 

Me: This is about to come out. 

Joe: That's what Ted said. 

THE DAILY TOP LIST

The top five themes of the past year of blogs. Honorable mention to sports stuff (running diaries, Brett Favre sucks), TV (watching it, comparing peeps to characters) and making co-worker lists (theme songs, definitions, truck slogans). 

5) Ted. 

What didn't he say? 

4) Musical chairs. 

From concerts I've attended to the 11 parodies and one original song I've composed. 

3) Five-cent skittles.

Life hasn't been quite the same since they went away. I think we can all agree on that. 

2) Women problems.

From stories of old girlfriends to recent rejections. My misery has been your entertainment. 

1) Tina.

Some of my favorites: "Have some kids and do some fucking homework." "There's no school for dick day. All the little boys stay home and play with their dicks." "A fucking ape can do a fucking oil change." "Fuck you, Gene." "Jesus Christ. Look at this fucking room. It's like he's a fucking animal." Every time she says "motherfucker" or "fucking ridiculous."