HUMP DAY

Here's the timeline for my Wednesday.

11:30 a.m.: Wake up, watch Tuesday's edition of the World Series of Poker

12:30 p.m.: Watch Jeopardy!

1: Watch Millionaire, start eating lunch

1:30: Watch Conan, finish eating lunch

2: Flip through the channels, talk to Tina, plan the day

3: Write story for the T-P. Look out for it in a paper near you in the next week or so. 

5:30: Make phone calls to plan Sports Saturday football. If two wrongs don't make a right, how many maybes make enough people showing up to play?

6: Watch start of Cubs-Reds game. Bad start. Shower. 

7: Leave house to meet Little Joe at Bruno's. 

7:30: Watch Cubs lose to Reds and a pitcher who hadn't won in three years. Take advantage of Bruno's 75th anniversary half-off appetizer special. We split a chicken finger basket and fries for $4.90. I ate a full meal with a drink, tipped well for the service and paid $6. Note to self: Hit that up again. 

9: Continue my Yat-athlon with Joe. Two rounds of darts, both won by Joe. Though if you don't count the bull's eye portion, we split. The second match was a classic. Then, it was onto shuffleboard, where we split two games a la air hockey last Friday night. Still to come in the athlon: pool, ping pong and an omelet eating contest at Camellia. 

10:30: Meet Paul at Palace to watch a late movie. More on that Sunday. 

1 a.m.: Talk to Paul in Palace parking lot about a variety of topics. Paul: Did Dan Morgan retire or is he still on the team? Paul: What ever happened to Mike McKenzie? Paul: Did the Saints sign that rookie yet? He's playing safety, right? 

2: Start Wings Season 5 marathon before falling asleep. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

The Young & the Restless shows an old clip of Paul and Nickie. My mom: "That was 30 fucking years ago." 

I tell mom that Billy Jefferson was found guilty on 11 counts and mention that they first invaded his house just more than four years ago. "Yeah. I remember all the fucking money in the freezer."

At 6:49 p.m., mom is confounded by the thermostat. "This is fucking ridiculous. It can't be 79 degrees in here. Fucking thing has been running all day."

PARTING SHOT

In the Palace parking lot, I end up making a joke perfectly in the style of Chapter 4 of the classic sitcom textbook. Yes, I made up the textbook. 

Paul: I met Steve McNair once. 

Me: He dead. 

(Pause.)

Me: Shot four times.

Paul (almost at the same time but right after): Why'd she do that?

Me: Cuz she wasn't sure if the first three bullets did the job. 

HOTTEST TICKET IN TOWN

With the Iowa Cubs rolling through town, Derry and I decided to check out the ol' Triple-A team at Zephyr Field on Tuesday afternoon. And we were basically the entire attendance.

Because of my stupidity, I was unable to use my secret weapon to get into the game for free. So, I bought a ticket.

Ticket person: Where would you like to sit, sir?
Me: Upper bowl, please.

Did I sit in the upper bowl? Uh, no. But that ticket was $8, instead of $10 for the better seats down below. If I were the Zephyrs, I wouldn't sell upper-bowl seating to these lowly-attended contests. That's bad business. Of course, so is pissing people off by charging $5 to park for a minor league baseball game.

Half an hour after I sat down, my dad also showed up in section 117 of the lower bowl. He had just bought a ticket in the upper bowl. I look at it. It is the seat right next to mine.

We tried to sneak into the T-P suite later, but the door was locked. Nothing exciting happened in the game, other than when I had sunflower seeds and tried to spit the shells into various cup holders.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

There's something wrong in the kitchen, not sure what it is, though. My mom: "Oh my god. What the fuck? It's backed up. Can't go a fucking day without something going wrong."

We had to report an error on our He's Just Not That Into You disc because it refuses to play. Mom is upset. "I get excited about one fucking movie, and it doesn't even fucking play."

ON THIS DATE IN GENE POOL HISTORY

2008: I introduced The Gene Pool wrestling character to the world. The future champ's finishing move is called Off the Deep End. It was also the debut of the Did You Know? segment.

I DIDN'T KNOW

At dinner Tuesday night, we learned that I didn't know what Neapolitan meant? I see Jelly eating a chocolate ice cream sandwich.

Me: Oooo. Chocolate ice cream sandwich. You usually see vanilla.
Jelly: It's Neapolitan.
Me: So, that whole thing was chocolate?
Jelly: Didn't you hear me? I said it's Neapolitan.
Me: I ignored that word. Don't know what it means.

She then explained what the word means.

Me: So, is that only for ice cream or does it apply to other groups of three? Can Garnett, Pierce and Allen be called the Boston Neapolitans?
Jelly: Uh, no.

CHOCOLATE ICING ON THE BRAIN

I love cupcakes. That's all. I love cupcakes. For the first time in maybe two years, Tina made a batch Sunday, along with some steak. Ate 'em up. I love cupcakes. Yum. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom decided Sunday night to use her Wii for the first time in a year. She forgot how it works. "The Wii's all fucked up." I ask her if she was able to turn it on and play. "Yeah. This morning after I fucked with it. Then I couldn't remember how to fucking turn it off." 

Mom and I went to lunch Monday afternoon. We get in the vehicle. "It's so fucking hot in this car." 

Mom notices the top light is on. She reshuts her door to see if that's the problem. Nope. She pushes the light back and forth from on to off. Nope. Mom: "Is it your door?" 

Me: Um. (I reshut it, and it was.)

Mom: You see me doing all this shit and it's your fucking fault?

Mom hits a bump. "We need to use the fucking tax dollars to fix these fucking streets!" 

We get back to our street after eating. Mom sees a lawn that is freshly cut but used to be really high. "I see the old man finally cut his fucking grass." 

DID YOU KNOW?

Did you know there was a Beer Summit at the White House? Did you know that Favre stayed retired? Did you know the Saints are in training camp? 

PARTING SHOT

UNO athletics is not on the rise. 

D: UNO is having select-a-seat night. Should be select-a-section. 

Marcus (imitating a fan): I'll have the lower bowl, thank you. 

A TOP LIST

My favorite five movie twists I didn't see coming. Spoiler alert.

5) Fugitive. 

I didn't know Dr. Richard Kimble's best friend was part of the conspiracy. 

4) Scream.

You never suspect the first person the police arrest. Well played. 

3) Saw. 

I knew the killer wasn't that other dude they wanted you to think. Had no clue it was the dead dude spread out in the middle of the room. 

2) Empire Strikes Back. 

I am your father. Shocking and a classic movie quote. 

1) Sixth Sense. 

A terrific moment in movie history. Though unlike the rest of these movies, knowing the secret severely hurts its rewatchability. 

THE WEEK IN PICTURES


This is the roulette table for our drinking game Wednesday night. Only thing missing from our game was a pizza.
Here's the jacket I won for my royal flush Thursday night. I stared with J-10 hearts. The flop was 4-J-Q. The queen was a heart. Somebody else bet. I called.

The turn was the king of hearts. Same person bet. I called. Going to the river, I had a pair with an open ended straight draw and flush draw.

The river was the ace of hearts. I just stared at the board in shock. I had my first royal flush and didn't even care that everyone checked.

My only question: Why did it take the personnel two hours to fetch the jacket? Rush hour business at 2 a.m.?

The spread from the Loyola Young Alumni event at Rock 'n' Bowl Friday night. There's shrimp on the far end. Unfortunately, I didn't see any ketchup. That's a deal breaker.

I had just finished bowling on the middle lane. Translation: Strike! So what if I only had four of them in two hours. I was rusty.

Sports Saturdays baseball, ppd., due to rain. Makeup doubleheader to be determined.

Bert and his dad try to get the infield dirt off the softballs during the downpour.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

We got a fourth disc at the same time from Netflix this week because they shipped He's Just Not That Into You from a separate location. That was the good news. The bad news: The disc doesn't play properly.

My mom on the matter: "It's fucked up. I knew it was going to be fucked up when I saw it came from someplace else. Then, sure enough, it was fucked up. Like really bad in four spots. Look at these scratches. It's fucked."

Then later. "That's another thing about that fucking movie. No closed caption. Couldn't understand what the fuck they were saying. How can a new movie not have fucking closed caption?"

MOVIE WEEK IN REVIEW

The Sure Thing. 1985. I liked this pickup line: "You know, I've never met anyone like you before. Usually when I meet someone new I feel awkward and shy. But with you it's different. I can talk to you. You know what I'm thinking without my having to explain to you in fancy terms. We speak each other's unspoken language."

Heat. 1995. My second Val Kilmer movie. Good stuff.

Orphan. 2009. My fourth favorite horror movie of all-time. Even though I predicted (while watching the trailer) the "big secret that you'll never see coming." Random person in my movie theatre in the middle of the movie: "That bitch crazy!"

Uptown Girls. 2003. Tina and Gene time Sunday afternoon. No, I didn't cry. So what if I just lied.

Tombstone. 1993. Holy crap! My third Val Kilmer movie. Doc: "I'll be your Huckleberry."

PARTING SHOTS

JRap complains to me about having to write two cutlines for one story.

JRap: We need two pics of Tiger cuz ... ?

Liam (like in the Wizard of Oz): Because of the wonderful things he does.

I'm proofing a story about some fishing event in Chalmette.

Me: Wait. The winners who are from Alabama used LSU colors on their bait?

Bake: They called it Tiger bait.

Bake wants JRap to add a game that just ended to the baseball roundup.

Bake: Can you stick it in there?

Me: That's what she said.

WHO WAS ON FIRST? NOBODY.

With several people having moved back to town recently, I got an idea to start having Sports Saturdays in the early afternoon before I head to work. The first one, baseball, was scheduled for today at Jefferson Playground.

I sent out a text message mid-week to about 15 people. I got a couple of confirmations, several maybes and the rest didn't respond. I showed up at 12:20 p.m., 10 minutes early, to set up and hit a few balls by pitching to myself.

Among the highlights:
-- I hit a ball over the fence in left-center (295 feet). Of course, I was standing at the shortstop position when I tossed the ball up to myself.
-- From home plate, I one-hopped the fence in left center. Really got into that one.

At 12:45 p.m., Bert and his dad showed up. This gave us a total of three people. With Little Joe calling in earlier to say he was running late, our total was at least going to reach four.

However, no one else made an appearance. And it started pouring down rain (which would be a cool name for The Gene Pool wrestler's finishing move) at 12:55 p.m., completely drenching the field. We left. Even though it stopped raining at 1:30, the field would have probably been to wet to play.

In the 10 minutes of Bert, his dad and me playing, we hit a softball. On one pitch from Bert, his dad chopped a hard grounder down the third baseline. I took two quick steps from playing shortstop and made a diving stab before rising quickly to my feet and fake throwing to first.

After Bert's dad finished his turn, I hit two softballs. One of them landed five feet into the grass in right-center, practically homer distance using a softball. After I popped up the second ball, the rains came, and the game was over. I called Joe and told him don't bother.

So, the first edition of Sports Saturdays didn't go so well. That ain't stopping me, yo. Next week is football. Be there, baby.

Rain or shine.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom said something kind of offensive today. I hope no one gets upset. "I should have been born black male in the 1800s. I feel like a fucking slave."

ON THIS DATE IN GENE POOL HISTORY

2008: I didn't get a price discount at Best Buy. I met someone named Areil. And JRap put me in my place by responding to my smugness with this comment: "Why don't you go take a crap and smoke a cigarette?"

PARTING SHOT
We're discussing Greek Mythology.

Me: What happens when Atlas dies? You know the guy holding up the Earth?
Brick: Gravity takes over.
Me: I don't know if the Greeks believed in things like that.
Derry: Well, then Apollo comes over and says, 'If he dies, he dies.'
Brick: Apollo didn't say that in Rocky.
Derry: Yeah, but Drago isn't in Greek Mythology.
Me: Sure he is. He's the god of the uh ...
Brick: Oysters.

LEAVING THE SPLITS

On Friday night, I went to the Loyola Young Alumni event at the new Rock 'n' Bowl. It's really spacious in there. For $20, I got free beer for two hours, about a dozen chicken wings and bowling shoes. 

We also bowled for two hours, but I didn't do well, so we'll skip right over that part. I did better messing around with a six-pound ball at the end of the night than I did with my ball trying to hook it into the pocket. 

Before leaving the joint, I went to the bathroom and became the first person to write on the wall. If you ever go into the second stall there, be sure to check out my work. It reads: No means no. But yes means yes. And so does no. 

After bowling, Little Joe, Jenna, Greg, Joe's other friends and I went to Pal's in Mid-City. They have air hockey in the back. Joe and I played two epic games of that, with each of us winning once. I think the first match (Joe won 7-6) is playing on ESPN Classic all this weekend. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom isn't quite up to speed with the recent summit at the White House. "What's with this beer shit?" I explain the situation. She sides with Gates. "He should yell at the cop. I would have been like, 'What the fuck you doing in my house?' " 

I say something to disturb mom. "I just got back from getting my nails done. I know you don't give a shit."

RANDOM THOUGHT OF EVERY SO OFTEN

You know that moniker thing where you take the first letter of the first name and combine it with the first syllable of the the last name (i.e. A-Rod, K-Mart)? Well, using that system, our president's nickname is B-O. Eww. 

PARTING SHOT

Little Joe tells me he's bringing his bowling ball and shoes to Rock 'n' Bowl. 

Me: Really? To a social event?

Joe: Yes. We'll bowl, then later we'll drink and dance. We'll call it a Yat-athlon.

A TOP LIST

My top five moments of July. 

5) Roulette shots. July 29. 

Can't wait to play that drinking game again. 

4) Wiffle ball. July 8. 

Who invited the ants?

3) Royal flush. July 30.

I hit my first royal flush. Did it with J-10 of hearts. 

2) Ch-ch-changes in the sports department.  

And work was never the same again. 

1) Vacation. July 15-17.

Beach, bitches.

HE DID SCORE THE WINNING RUN IN THE 2000 TITLE GAME

I love Fan Cam on WGN during Cubs games. I think their motto is: If you're a pretty girl in the crowd, we WILL find you. No exceptions. Man, I love Fan Cam.

During Thursday's rout of the hated Astros, they showed such a pretty girl with one of the greatest signs of all time: "I'M GETTING MARRIED, UNLESS THERIOT TALKS ME OUT OF IT."

I bet her fiance didn't even have a problem with it.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom doesn't like the cost of marriage ceremonies. "People spend fucking $25,000 on weddings these days. Why? So other people can have fun? Put money down on a house."

Mom had to glue the roof felt on the inside of her car because it was becoming unattached. "Fucking heat tearing up that shit. Fucking heat."

Mom has had it up to here with the swimming pool. "Every time I think I got it to fucking blue, it goes to fucking green. It does it one more time, I'm putting the cover back on."

They were filming a movie down the street from our house all day Thursday. Director's chairs, big buses everywhere, a roped off convenient store. "What the fuck movie they shooting? We gotta find out the fucking movie."

PARTING SHOT
D is doing the NFL roundup.

D: I wonder what kind of outfielder Michael Vick would have been.
Liam: I don't know. Could he handle the dog days of summer?

A TOP LIST
In continuing with our 2000s theme, my top five most overrated movies of the period.

5) 300.
Some weird shit in that film.

4) Bond films.
Liked the action, but the story blew.

3) Iron Man.
Liked the last scene, but the story mostly blew. I knew Jeff Bridges was a bad guy about 3 minutes into the film.

2) Lord of the Rings trilogy.
Fell asleep during the first and third one. The final 35 minutes of the series should have been done in five minutes.

1) Transformers.
The critics were right: That thing sucked. Even Megan Fox was overrated. I was more into the other chick.