WHAT'S IN MY WALLET? WATER.

EVERY FIFTH BURGER SHOULD BE FREE. 

Before work Saturday, I stopped by Five Guys for lunch during a little storm. 

The first two times I went -- it's only been open four weeks -- I felt terrible for about an hour afterward. The cause I figured might be the cheese, so I decided to get a regular hamburger. 

When Rachel and I found ourselves at the front of a long line, I reached into my back pocket for my wallet. 

It wasn't there. That's happened before, but I remember putting it in my pocket as I exited my car. Had someone pick-pocketed me?

I bolted out of the line in a panic leaving poor Rachel to stand there and wait. 

I checked my car to make sure. Nothing. I retraced my steps from the car to the building. Nothing. Keep in mind it was raining. 

As I was giving up and about to go into all the nearby restaurants to see if someone found it on the ground, I glanced to my right. There it was, nice and cozy in a puddle. 

Great. At least no one took it or ran over it. It was a foot from a back tire. 

Rachel had saved our spot in the front of the line. I handed my debit card to the cashier, and she said: I can't take this. 

Me: Why?

Cashier: It's a Winn-Dixie card. 

Me: Oh. 

The two cards were actually stuck together from the puddle, so I had to separate them with all my might. Just kidding. But yeah, another embarrassment moment. 

And I think it was the cheese. Felt totally fine after eating. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mother was reading the entertainment news. "Fucking Carrie from the King of Queens was a fucking Scientologist for 30 years." Me: Really? That long? Mom: "Thirty something fucking years. People pissed at her."

She kept going. "Those people are weird. That's why Katie Holmes got out in the middle of the night. She's fucking Catholic. How does that work?"

Mom and I are talking about things that used to be in my room. Me: What happened to my Jessica Simpson poster? Mom: "Fuck if I know."

Mom is impressed with the prices at h.h. gregg. "They got fucking DVD players for  10 fucking dollars. Mine cost 80." Me: Really? Mom: "Ten fucking dollars."

Mom and I are watching Orphan Black on Netflix. "That show comes on BBC America. Who the fuck watches that station?"

DOUBLE YOUR PLEASURE

Speaking of Five Guys, the last two times I've been in there, multiple female employees have expressed their love of my T-shirt. 

One was for my CM Punk shirt. One employee said she's never seen it in public before (that's a shame) and the other said: "That's my favorite wrestler. How did you get that?"

The second time I was wearing my "II VOTED FOR SUMMER" T-shirt. Both cashiers agreed that Pedro sucked and that they would have also voted for Summer. 

Friendly staff over there. Now let's see how they like my cat T-shirt.