TORTURE CORN

HEALTHY? NOT SO MUCH

As many of you know, I've been on a mini health kick as of late. Nothing major, but some diet altering. 

So I was alarmed last week to learn that two of the healthyish things I've been doing since childhood are in fact not healthy. 

Kelly and I went to make groceries last Monday afternoon. She puts two packs of corn from the freezer in her cart. 

Me: Those are expensive. You know, the canned corn is like 60 cents each. 

Kelly: Yeah, but it's loaded with sodium. 

Me: And the freezer bags aren't?

Kelly: Uh, no. 

Sure enough, I check the cheap-ass can,  and there's more than 1,000 mg of sodium in one can. The frozen corn? ZERO. Oh boy. 

Fuck, I've been eating that canned corn for as long as I can remember. There goes my positive vegetable intake. And now I have nine cans of wasted corn. 

But the negative maize in my diet was just getting started. 

On Saturday night, Rachel and I were discussing breakfast foods. I say that I enjoy Sunny D with eggs, bacon and toast. (Start your day the Gergich way with eggs, bacon and toast.)

Rachel: That's not real orange juice. 

Me: What the heck you mean?

Rachel: Sunny D has 2 percent real juice. The rest is high fructose corn syrup. 

Me: Nah-ah. 

Rachel: Look it up. 

It's hard to read the view from my fridge, but Rachel is correct. Son of a bitch. I've been drinking Sunny D since the third grade when I liked it because it didn't have pulp. 

Recently, I cut back to one coke a day while trying to skip it completely one day a week. Now I learn that I am ingesting corn syrup every goddamn morning. Ugh. 

On the bright side, Sunny D does contain five fruits, including pear. Unfortunately, all of them are actually less than 2 percent. I've dumped the rest of that bottle. 

Tag, real orange juice. You're in. 

Anything else that I think is healthy that's really not? I'm expecting to check my next water bottle and see that it contains oil. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom is upset that the Popeye's around the corner closed. (I've eaten more meals from there than almost anywhere in my life.) "First they close my fucking Bud's, then my fucking Taco Bell and now my fucking chicken. What else can they take away from me? Left me with shit. Two fucking snowball stands."

Mom drives around the bend on my street, and a car comes whizzing by. "People around here don't care. They fly by without giving a shit what is about to come around."

Mom rewatched Fatal Attraction. "Men should never cheat." Why, I ask. "You never know what the fuck might happen."

Mom is now using the library for books and DVDs. "The movies are self check out. I had to watch someone else do it, cuz I didn't know what the fuck I was doing."

Mom asks if Paul has started at Winn-Dixie yet. I say July 11, but he doesn't know where or his hours. "Yeah, managers of food stores are fucked."

My off days are Monday and Tuesday. Mom: What are Rachel's off days? Me: Saturday and Sunday. Mom: "How the fuck did that happen?"

THE CHILI CAPER

I went to Wendy's on Saturday night and ordered a chicken salad, baked potato and small chili. 

As with all fast food stops, I checked the bag before driving off. The chili was missing, so I wait for the worker to come back to the window. 

The chili, I observe while waiting, is not on the receipt. Hmm. This is how my order ended:

Me: And a small chili. 

Worker: OK. Is that it?

Me: Yes. 

The worker is slightly startled to see me still at the window and not the next customer. I tell him the small chili is missing, and he casually hands me one. 

I drive off, a petty thief in the night. On the way home, I realize I should have said the large chili was missing. Shit. 

PARTING SHOT

Kelly never read the blog in its heyday. She went back the other day and searched her name to see what was said about her. She wasn't a fan. 

Kelly: Do not come over now because I will beat ur teeth down your throat until you choke on your back molars.