I COULD GET USED TO NOT WORKING

VACATION 2: NOT IN EUROPE

I'm on vacation this week to go to Bean Town for the Saints-Patriots game. But as I didn't have anyone to go with, I'm watching this Boston-Detroit playoff game on my couch on Saturday night when I could have been live at Fenway. 

But as they say, that's life. So here's what I've been up to since Tuesday on my last vacation until Paul's wedding. 

Wednesday: Bert and I decided to gamble on football games Sunday. You know, if that sort of thing were legal. We picked the Vikings, Eagles and the goddamn Jets. We need all three to win. 

Kelly informs me that she actually didn't tell a stranger that I had Asspergers. She did tell her that I'm an asshole, though. 

Thursday: As with other staycations, I picked a day to spend at the casino. I don't discuss casino results as per superstition. 

Friday: Paul's 29th birthday. We ate dinner at Bayou Beer Garden and then went to Barcadia to continue drinking but also to play games. 

But not air hockey. That broke. 

I played pop-a-shot with a high of 56. I beat Paul in Killer Instinct, which was not as fun as I remember. I played the Turtles 1989 arcade game. I was better at killing foot soldiers when I was 8 years old. Now, I'm awful. 

The highlight of the night was playing Giant Connect Four. 

That's Paul against Jacob. No idea who won. I beat Joe in four moves. Sucker. 

The big winner of the evening was the birthday boy himself. He defeated me in Giant Connect Four. It was an epic game where we both made every right move. 

Basically, we realized that the winner could be determined by counting turns because we each had one spot setup to win, and it was the same spot. 

Then, Birthday Boy faced Joe in NFL Blitz, a 2000 game that the league probably isn't too fond of now. What with all the wrestling tackles. 

Joe as the 49ers was leading 28-9 over Paul's Dolphins. But oh the fourth quarter. Two picks and some touchdown drives later, Paul won 29-28. 

When we were leaving, a drunk girl approached me and grabbed my ear. She played with it for a few seconds before moving on. Yes, I blushed. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom is wondering if my buddy Greg is still living at home. I tell her yes and that it hurts when courting a young lady. 

"Why don't he just get a fucking hotel room? It's more romantic anyway."

Mom doesn't like how difficult closed captioning is to get on the Cox remote. "You should be able to hit one button and have the motherfucker come up."

Mom doesn't like her mail system. "I need a mailbox like yours. My shit blows all over the fucking place."

Mom saw a report on TV. "Copenhagen is the best place to live. Fucking government gives you everything."