A CROW LEFT OF MURDER
On April 27, I left the building to discover a crow, or some such bird, chilling at the intersection of my hood and windshield.
He seemed to be waiting for me and wouldn't budge. I yelled. I hit the hood. I shooed him. Nothing.
Liam was also leaving and laughed at me as I gingerly got in my car afraid the crow might pounce on me.
I started the car and bonked the horn. He stayed there stoically perched.
I felt like the crow was saying, "I live here now. I ain't moving." Waving like I just didn't care at the crow also didn't work.
And so I backed out of my parking spot, hoping the crow would fly away as I picked up some speed. Nope.
Too afraid to nudge it off, I was at a crossroads. I told Rachel the situation, and I'm not sure if she has stopped laughing yet.
I realized as I was driving that the crow didn't know how to fly. As I got to 20 mph, it flapped its wings in a panic and clung to the windshield wipers.
The speed became too much, and momentum took the crow to my roof. It actually looked like the crow was moonwalking up the side of my car and onto the roof.
I could hear the crow scratching the roof for a few moments. And then ... nothing. The crow was gone. I circled back around but couldn't find it.
I like to think that I taught that crow how to fly. That's better than thinking I killed it, right?
Anyway, Rachel thinks that the crows have been plotting their revenge. She has told me a few times that she saw crows swarming my car. Not funny at all.
But on Thursday, there was another incident. I found this in my driveway.
So the crows killed one of their own and left it for me. That's some serious shit. It certainly startled me.
How should I respond?
THE TINA CURSING CORNER
I called my mom the other day. This is how she answered: "What? I got shit in my hair."
I'm driving us to lunch. The guy in the car in front of us opens his door at 30 mph and spits. "What the fuck?!"
One of mom's favorite shows is The Voice. But this is how she described the show after this week's finale: "I don't know why they even have that show. Everyone fucking knows what's his face is gonna win. Country gets all the votes. I I didn't realize fucking country people owned the fucking world."
Nelly performed on the finale. "Nelly is into that country shit now. It's weird."
Mom calls me. "Hey, my Cox bill says HBO is free in March. I think they fucked up. It's June." Me: That does seem wrong. Her: "Is it a fuck up?"
FOUR CORNERS
1) In the old blog days, I often lamented not getting a hug from my boss, Marcus. Well it happened Wednesday. And it was all that I thought it could be. You know, for a hug.
2) I work in a smoke free building. Yet, someone found it necessary to put a No Smoking sign on the wall in the second floor showers. Maybe the sign has been there since before it became a smoke free building and no one ever took it down. But still, it looks odd.
3) Paul has left his ATM card in the machine three times and left two different vehicles running while locking himself out. But he may have topped himself Wednesday when he somehow dropped his cell phone into the ocean and broke it.
4) My rec basketball team came in second place in the spring league. We took out the third seed and the second seed before losing to the top seed. In the summer league, however, we have a championship appearance hangover. It's just like a Super Bowl hangover. We're 0-2, and we only had four players for the first half of one of the games.
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