Doc Brown would have given better advice

YOU'RE NOT ACCEPTABLE

The results of my blood work came back. I viewed them online. All the numbers, save cholesterol, were good. 

The highest number in the OK zone for cholesterol is 199. 200 to 239 is borderline risk. Above 240 is at risk. 

My number is 207, to which my doctor left this note: not acceptable. Diet and redo in three months. Other labs fine. 

Well, thanks for the advice. Diet. Don't think I could have figured that out myself. 

And not acceptable? To me above 240 is not acceptable. I'm more in the 'needs work' category. Also, there are 3 numbers that go toward your cholesterol number. One of mine was in the normal range. One barely missed. And the other was pretty far off. That's hardly 'not acceptable.'

I've already started a few things to bring the number down, so I don't die of a heart attack at 35. I refuse to change my diet. 

1) I switched to reduce fat milk. That saves me 16 grams of saturated fat per week. 

2) I bought a huge pack of almonds, which are said to increase your good cholesterol (my number that's barely off).

3) I'm only allowing myself one coke a day. Sometimes skipping days. 

4) I've mostly eliminated sweets. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom and I had lunch earlier this week. She was mostly tame until we arrived back at her house. As we walked to the front door, a cop car rolled slowly down the street. Without breaking stride, she said: "Asshole."

Mom has yellow spray paint on her sidewalk. I ask her what's up with that. "Water company shows up and just starts spraying. I came out and said what the fuck are you doing. They were working across the street. He needs work and I get the shit. Then they realized the work was unnecessary. So that yellow is for nothing. Can you believe that shit?"

About a recent incident with an older gentleman: "Old fucking man shouldn't be on a fucking bike on the highway."

KINDA OF LIKE WHEEL OF FORTUNE

In the car today, I was thinking about our city and came up with a little game to pass the time on the drive: New Orleans before and after. 

It's two things New Orleans with a connecting word. The end of the first part is the beginning of the second. I thought of five. See if you can get them. 

1) Pelicans shooting guard AND restaurant on Poydras connected to the casino. 

2) Bearded jazz pianist AND man for who the zoo is named. 

3) Fox investigative reporter AND annual golf tournament. 

4) Super Bowl winning coach AND Super Bowl winning quarterback. 

5) Recently named skyscraper next to Champions Square AND pizza joint near the end of Veterans. 

Can you think of more?