Doctor. Doctor. Give me the news. 

Ever since the health screening lady at work a few weeks ago told me I was in the high risk zone of cholesterol, I've been kind of freaking out. Not drastically changing anything, mind you, but freaking out nonetheless. 

I cut back on soda, switched to reduced fat milk and ate more almonds. And, oh yeah, made my first doctor's appointment since a physical to play soccer senior year of high school. That was 2001. 

I arrived on time (no small feat for me) but, of course, I was not summoned to the doctor on time. In the waiting room, I got to listen to an old couple and another lady discuss the finer things in life: Asian art and Netflix. 

The two ladies were actually doing most of the talking until the old man said he prefers to watch golf or baseball. His wife: I like watching to cheer against that Tiger Woods. He left his family. He's such a bastard. Asked about the difference between Woods and Bill Clinton, she said: I can forgive him. He's a sweetheart. 

Another man was signing in.

Nurse: would you like to list a religious preference?

Man: Jesus. 

Thirty minutes after my appointment, I was called in for the nurse to do some tests. Blood pressure was good, but the nurse didn't tell me that. I just knew the numbers. 

The doctor came in next. He asked me if I had any pains. No. Any discomfort. No. Any medical problems to address. No. Any past problems. No. Any medications. No. Anything at all. No. Then he shot me a what-the-fuck-are-you-doing-here look. 

Me: cholesterol. The health screening lady ... 

Doc (waving his hand): Those things are such bullshit. 

After he was done with me, I peed in a cup and then had to go pick up a red phone in the hallway. No dialing. Just picked up a red phone. I half expected Neo to answer. 

Another nurse came out to take my blood. As she was rubbing my vein, I said: That's where the heroin usually goes. She hesitantly laughed. Hope that doesn't go in my file. 

On my way out of the facility, I went the wrong way twice. First, I took the wrong elevator to get to my car. I looked out the window and could see my car. However, my only option was to enter an office. So back down the elevator I went. I then found the right elevator. 

On the way out of the parking garage, I followed the exit signs, but on the first floor I ended up driving down a dead end of sorts. Almost hit a dumpster. I was barely able to turn around to go back up a ramp. I mean just barely. Almost was forced to go back up the down ramp in reverse. 

So I had to re-enter the garage to the third floor before exiting again. When I got back to the first floor exit, there is actually two arrows, one for the real exit and one pointed toward the non-exit I originally followed. So you can see my confusion. Or I'm just a moron. 

The Tina cursing corner

My mom looks at her grass. "Look how high it is. It's been one fucking week."

The neighbors were making all kinds of racket, as usual. Mom does not like this. She hears hammer meeting nail. "Maybe he's sound proofing the motherfucker."

Mom is worried about legal action being taken against her for an incident the other day. "Fucking old man. He's going to haunt me the rest of my fucking life."

You didn't know that

I'm often being told that at work. It's always a good time when someone never heard of something you thought everyone knew. It happens both ways to me. 

Two from the other day. Paul didn't know the theme to SportsCenter. You know, da da da danna da da. Been there for all our lives. He heard it the other day and thought it was just the noise made when you draft a fantasy player. This is the same guy who once asked me what a Jonas brother was. 

For her part, Kelly doesn't believe that carrot is in carrot cake. I've heard some bad ones before, but that just might take the cake. Thank you and drive thru. Kelly: You motherfuckers are just messing with me.