IT'S BEEN FAR TOO LONG

When I ended my streak of 420 days blogging in a row, I promised that I would return at some point. In my head, I meant that to be like two or three months. Or 22. Whatever.

If I had a nickel for every time someone asked me to bring this bad boy back in those 22 months, well, I'd have probably around $22.35. Every time I go to a party or a Yat-Together, someone gets down on their hands and knees and pleads for the return. Like my blog was crack.

Besides, Kelli needs something to do while on maternity leave. Amanda needs to occupy her time now that she's unemployed. Jelly needs something to do in between copying and pasting stuff onto the Internet. Bob needs something to be indifferent about. And everyone, and I mean everyone, needs them some Tina.

So, on a hopefully weekly basis (maybe more often), I'm back, bitches.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

In the past two years, my mom has continued to curse. A lot. I don't recall all the specifics, but hey, let's start fresh. Here's stuff from the last few weeks I remember.

The Casey Anthony verdict is read. Tina: "That's sad. No one gave a shit about that little girl."

Mom dropped her laptop, and the microphone plug doesn't work anymore. So, she bought a sound blaster and loves it. "Fuck that other hole."

Mom watches some 48 Hours Mystery episode. The cops mess up a case. "Fuck the cops. You never do your fucking job. You get that badge and think you fucking own everything."

SOME RANDOM THOUGHTS

1) I've been feeling really alone lately. (Another reason to come back.) Being single doesn't bother me, but it has been gnawing at me recently. Probably because I've been playing a lot of fifth and seventh wheels. And as Michael Scott once told Jim: "It's not the horniness, ok? It's the loneliness."

2) Half a day after the World Cup Final, I still feel like we won. I don't want to talk about this anymore. Me sad.

3) The Green Lantern. X-Men. Transformers. Harry Potter. Captain America. What are all nerd movies I could give a crap about?

PARTING SHOTS

I was in charge seven of the past 10 days at work.

Stephen: Gene has several small qualities.

Liam: That's what she said.

I explain to Sandy that my dreams have been boring.

Me: A few nights ago, I had a dream where I watched the weather. Last night in my dream, I had dessert.

Liam: You're clearly confused about your sexuality.

THE TOP LIST

The top five things that have happened to me in the past two years.

5) Meachem Ball.

Last October, I took a road trip with Lopes to see the Saints play the Buccaneers. We were sitting close, and after scoring a touchdown in the second quarter, Robert Meachem tossed the ball right to me. So, that was pretty cool.

I gave it to a person who gave it to a person who gave it to a person who was supposed to be able to get it signed by Meachem. Long story short, I haven't seen or touched that sweet, sweet ball since.

4) Wreck.

Last December, I was involved in my fourth wreck. Whereas the other three were my fault, this one was not. I was backed into in a parking lot.

But wouldn't you know my luck. Despite the fact that I had three witnesses, the insurance company declared that the accident was completely my fault.

I then went on a tirade on the phone, until finally the uppity agent informed me that she never even bothered to call my witness. (The other two witnesses were deemed ineligible because they were my friends. So if you ever get in an accident and your peeps aren't in the car with you, pretend like ya'll never met. Ya heard?)

After then conversing with my witness, the brilliant insurance agent made it half my fault, half the fault of the woman who backed up into me and didn't damage her car one iota. I had to get another bumper (third one for this car) and new side panel (again third one).

The reason it was said to be half my fault: They think I was backing out of a parking space when she backed into me. Uh no. I was behind her waiting to turn out of the parking lot, when she decided to back up and not leave the parking lot.

Turns out, my ace witness told them I was moving. Thanks a lot, Johnny. The agent told me that since my witness and the other woman's daughter (who was about 12) both said I was moving, that's what they had to go with. But yet my two witnesses who were standing right there and watched me not move and get hit, don't count. Ugh. Fuck the gecko.

3) Relationship.

From late October 2009 to late March 2010, I had a girlfriend. Holla. It ended, though. Alas. And of all places in the parking lot of Oriental Triangle. Surprisingly private back there.

2) Promotion.

In April of last year, I was promoted from occasional (ironic because I worked 37.5 hours a week) to part-time, where I work 26 hours a week. Like I tell people, they said, "Congratulations, you're promoted. Now, stop coming here."

The company told me how much I would make per hour before they told me how many hours I would be working. I had assumed that I would get 30 hours, like other part-time employees, and when they told me my hourly rate, I about started dancing in the editor's office. No, not the worm. Maybe the sprinkler.

My exuberance was quickly squashed when I learned that it was only 26 hours. But, hey, I don't have to show up until 5, save when I'm in charge. Yeah, I'm in charge once a week, except when the boss, that's Brick, is on vacation. Then, it's more like four shifts in charge a week.

1) Super Bowl.

Uh, you remember this one, right?

Little Joe and I went to the NFC Championship. There was man-hugging and girlie screaming.

I watched the Super Bowl at work. On Porter's pick, Liam and I engaged in more man-hugging. Both also involved jumping.

LIFE'S A PEACH

The reason I haven't updated the pool in so long is my life has been so unbelievably boring that I couldn't muster the energy to write about nothing. (I would never have made it on the writing staff of Seinfeld. Get it?) That all changes this week with the return of TV season (I'm on overload Monday with seven hours of taped shows and the Dolphins on MNF) and the Journey concert Saturday.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom read a story a week or two ago about a cop stealing somebody's watch. "Fucking cops think they own the fucking world with their fucking badge and gun. Fucking thought he was entitled to the watch."

Mom walks into my room. "You treat this room like a fucking junkyard."

Mom got frustrated last week. "I need to hit the fucking jackpot."

Mom has said "Motherfuck me" about 12 times since the last posting.

Mom got mad at me. "You're fucking useless. Useless!"

The across-the-street neighbor has an 8-year-old son. He cheated on his wife. They divorced. He married the mistress, who is my age. They now have a 5-month-old. She conceived during the affair. The new wife moved in last week. Mom's take: "What, she thinks he's gonna stop fucking around now? Like, she's so special. I got news for her: He ain't gonna stop fucking around. He might be smarter and wear a fucking rubber. But he ain't gonna stop fucking around."

CASH FOR WHAT NOW?

Last week at work, I joked that they were going to start a new program for parents called Cash for Flunkers, where you trade in your child who is failing for one who makes As. It was met with a hint of laughter. I thought it was brilliant.

Anyway, on Wednesday, I'm flipping through the channels and stop on the new Jay Leno Show for a minute, which I believe is a horrible idea five times a week (once a week on Thursday would have been a good move).

Anyway, he filmed a segment called Cash for Flunkers. And sure enough, a mom brings a failing student into a building, the door closes, then reopens as the mom emerges with a braniac looking child. The crowd erupts in laughter. I throw my remote at the TV.

MOVIE REVIEW

The International. Good thriller. Strange ending. I really like Clive Owen.

Deja Vu. First half is awesome. Second half, not so much. Denzel is good.

Duplicity. Did I mention that I really like Clive Owen?

DID YOU KNOW?

Did you know that Kanye West really likes Beyonce's Single Ladies video? Did you know he interrupted the very serious MTV video awards? Did you know that Obama called Kanye a jackass? Did you know that Joe Wilson talks like a fourth grader? (You lie!)

Did you know that Serena Williams had one of the greatest outbursts in sports history? (I've been quoting her all week. It's a shame she didn't get more pub for her tirade than Kanye got. A real shame.)

Did you know that all three of these stories are the only things that happened in the entire world last week? (Yup. Nothing else.)

PARTING SHOT
I run across the street to hand the mailman a Netflix disc. I have on my 2007 LSU football championship T-shirt.

Me: Hey, can you throw this in there?
Mailman: Sure, man. You wearing that championship shirt, huh?
Me: Yeah.
Mailman: Say, they playing Saturday or Sunday?
Me: Uh, Saturday.

(D, can I get a whistle?)

PREDICTING THE RECORD

I'm trying to gauge the Saints record for the 2009 season.
First, some other expert prediction:

ESPN: 8-8
Sports Illustrated: 7-9
CBS: Picked 'em to win the division

Here's the way I'm looking at it.

Games they should win: Both Bucs, Bills, Rams, Lions (5-0)
Games they'll probably lose: Giants, Patriots (5-2)
Games against other good teams in division: Split (7-4)

So that leaves five games to determine the season. They need to go 3-2 in the following games to finish 10-6 and hopefully make the playoffs: Redskins, Cowboys, Eagles, Jets, Dolphins.

I say yes. What say you?

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom is pissed about the new dental plan on her health insurance. "I'm so fucking aggravated. Paid for less than half of my last fucking visit."

PARTING SHOT
I'm reading Kim Kardashian's twitter. (Shut up!)

Me: Look everyone. Kim lost her blackberry.
Liam: Eh, I think she lost that a long time ago.

THE SAINTS ARE COMING ... WELL, NOT THURSDAY

For the second consecutive season, my dad and I went to the finale of the Saints preseason. For the second consecutive season, the Saints were playing the Dolphins. For the second consecutive season, we left at halftime after parking for free and using Brick's tickets. 

Not for the second consecutive year, thankfully, there was no monster hurricane in the Gulf during the game. 

The highlight of the first half had nothing to do with the game. During a timeout, they showed a Saintsation on the sideline, who thought she was promoting something. Instead, her boyfriend came out of nowhere and proposed. 

After she accepted, the dude sitting in front of us turns around and announces to his friends and the rest of us. "I know that dude. He's a pussy." Someone asks how he knows this. "He's a cop. I knocked his ass out once after we were drinking in a bar. He's a pussy." 

One minute later, he turns back around and says: "Man, I can't believe it. I know that dude. He's a homo." 

Guy behind me: "But he's engaged." 

Response: "So he's a closet homo." 

I went to the game wearing my Dolphins shirt and Saints cap. The evening was filled with a lot of weird looks and one guy who yelled, "You can't do that. Get out of here." 

The people in my section certainly didn't appreciate my shirt, especially when I cheered for the 

Saints to fumble the opening kickoff. (That's only because I want them to cut Roby.) 

Like who doesn't like a shirt with pretty little dolphins on it? 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

The guy across the street just got a new wife and moved her in. They met when she applied for a job in one of his Subways. My mom: "Now she has nine of the motherfuckers." 

A kid in the neighborhood threw one of those confetti eggs at our side window. "Fucking confetti everywhere." 

Mom sees me as I walk out the door to the Saints-Dolphins game. "Are you wearing a fucking Dolphins shirt?" 

Mom and I are sitting outside. She looks around. "Fucking lovebugs everywhere." 

Mom thinks my dad and I are alike. "Two fucking peas in a pod." 

RANDOM THOUGHT

New thing to add to my shit list: This thing in sitcoms where one character (usually on the show for one episode) calls a main character by a slightly different name in multiple ways throughout the episode so as to belittle the main character. 

It seems every show has an episode like this. It ain't funny. Though I think it would be funny if a show did this situation but the insulter used names that weren't even close to the name of the main character. 

PARTING SHOT

The latest and possible greatest Paul-ism. We're talking about David's birthday party Saturday.

Paul (completely serious): They gonna have crawfish? 

Me: Uh, no. 

Paul: Why? Is that like only around for a certain part of the year?  

BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND

Guess who's back
Back again
Gene Pool's back
Tell a friend
Guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back

I've created a monster, cuz nobody wants to see Gene no more
They want Tina, I'm chopped liver

OK, that was the beginning of Eminem's Without Me. But you have to admit, the past week has felt a little empty without me, right? Or so the six people who complained to me about no recent entries tell me.

What have I been up to? Well, not much. I enjoyed hitting the softball on Sports Saturday and running down Bert's fly balls. My apologies to Little Joe for some lousy pitching on his turn at-bat.

Last Wednesday, I met Kelly, Bert and Paul at Fox & Hound for some free shuffleboard. Paul and I played two games by ourselves when the couple left to make it home in time for Top Chef at 11 p.m. Like who has to be in front of the TV while the show airs these days? They ever heard of a DVR or fuck, a VCR?

Paul won the first game 16-1, but I responded with a 15-1 victory in the second match. We decided against a rubber match.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER
The highlights from the past week.

My mom and I went to lunch last Thursday. I wasn't ready on time in her view. "Are you fucking kidding me?"

Mom is doing something in the kitchen. I'm in the other room. "Motherfuck me!"

Mom is being followed too closely by a fellow driver on Hickory. So, mom plays a game where she comes to a complete stop as both of them are turning. The other driver had to swerve slightly to avoid hitting her. He was pissed. Mom didn't care. "Ha. Ha. Ha. With your little Mazda. Piece of shit."

On the anniversary of Katrina, mom recalled a fond memory. "And then the next day was the hottest fucking day ever." She repeated that exact statement Tuesday.

Mom and I watched the Little League World Series title game Sunday. The Taiwan coach has a meeting on the mound with his team.
Me: Ma, what do you think he's saying to the players?
Mom: Fuck all ya'll motherfuckers.

Mom is cutting a piece of cake Tuesday afternoon. "This fucking shit is melting."

MOVIE REVIEW

The Legend of Bagger Vance. 2000. Solid, though could have been better.

Yes Man. 2008. Wasn't expecting much, but I thought it was some fine Jim Carrey work.

Leatherheads. 2008. Why does Hollywood keep trying to convince me that Renee Zellweger is attractive? Give up already.

Trouble the Water. 2008. Katrina and its aftermath documentary. Ya heard?

RANDOM THOUGHT

It always gets me when people start a new relationship (in real life and more often in TV and movies) and one of the members or a friend of one of the members says, "I hope it works out (or I think it's going to work out)."

What exactly does "work out" mean? Is the relationship going to the gym? Seriously, though, if the couple breaks up, then it didn't work out, right? So, "work out" means ends in marriage and then death. Well, then let's say that. Let's not sugar coat this shit.

PARTING SHOTS
On August 29th, I'm talking to Kelly.

Me: Happy Anniversary.
Kelly: Anniversary for wha .... oh.

Danny was sad about the lack of a Gene Pool.

Danny: Now I don't know what to do with myself before I go to bed.

At work Tuesday, we're discussing Derry's fondness for singing.

D: Derry, you rap?
Derry: I did rap Saturday.
Marcus: Yeah, sandwiches.

LIGHT ONE UP

This is my 420th day in a row with a blog entry. Quite the streak when you think about all the pitfalls.

But I have a bit of bad news for all you loyal followers. The streak will not reach 421. I'll give you a second to catch your breath. OK. A few seconds. ....... Recovered? Good.

Don't worry. Like MacArthur once said: I shall return. When that comeback is, however, I can't exactly tell you. Until then, hold your head up (literally, do it now!) and keep on reaching for the stars.

And with that, he vanished.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom reminds me how much my ticket for failure to maintain control will cost. "Two hundred and fucking 80 dollars."

Mom wouldn't sit in the crowd if I went on Millionaire. Instead, she'd hang out in New York. "Who wants to sit in the fucking audience?"

PARTING SHOT
We're discussing the women's football team (New Orleans Blaze) and how they won some kind of game a few weeks ago.

Me: Those girls don't mess around.
Marcus: Some of them do. You got to meet them at the right time.

A TOP LIST
My top five moments of August.

5) Scavenger Hunt. Aug. 14.
During a fight during the hunt:

Kelly: This is ridiculous.
Paul: You're ridiculous.

4) Sports Saturdays.
The first one was rained out. The fourth one was a 5-on-5 football game. I'd say that's a steady improvement.

3) Green Day concert. Aug. 7.
I need to be on the floor next time.

2) My story published. Aug. 16.
Only one comment on nola. What's up with that?

1) Car wreck. Aug. 10.
My new theory is that aliens caused the accident.

THAT'S THE TICKET

It's been two weeks since I ran into a parked car with my car on a side street in Harahan. Today was also the day I called the Harahan court house to find out the scoop on my ticket.

Turns out, failure to maintain control is worth $280 to the city. See you October 6th!

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom looks out at her garden. "Fucking weeds."

Mom doesn't like my sleeping arrangements. "Why do you have two fucking blankets?"

The time disappears from the stove. "What the fuck?"

DID YOU KNOW?

Did you know that Michael Jackson was murdered? Did you the Saints have played two preseason game? Did you know that Brett Favre plays for the Vikings? Did you know that Glenn Beck said some mean things about the president?