LIFE'S A PEACH

The reason I haven't updated the pool in so long is my life has been so unbelievably boring that I couldn't muster the energy to write about nothing. (I would never have made it on the writing staff of Seinfeld. Get it?) That all changes this week with the return of TV season (I'm on overload Monday with seven hours of taped shows and the Dolphins on MNF) and the Journey concert Saturday.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom read a story a week or two ago about a cop stealing somebody's watch. "Fucking cops think they own the fucking world with their fucking badge and gun. Fucking thought he was entitled to the watch."

Mom walks into my room. "You treat this room like a fucking junkyard."

Mom got frustrated last week. "I need to hit the fucking jackpot."

Mom has said "Motherfuck me" about 12 times since the last posting.

Mom got mad at me. "You're fucking useless. Useless!"

The across-the-street neighbor has an 8-year-old son. He cheated on his wife. They divorced. He married the mistress, who is my age. They now have a 5-month-old. She conceived during the affair. The new wife moved in last week. Mom's take: "What, she thinks he's gonna stop fucking around now? Like, she's so special. I got news for her: He ain't gonna stop fucking around. He might be smarter and wear a fucking rubber. But he ain't gonna stop fucking around."

CASH FOR WHAT NOW?

Last week at work, I joked that they were going to start a new program for parents called Cash for Flunkers, where you trade in your child who is failing for one who makes As. It was met with a hint of laughter. I thought it was brilliant.

Anyway, on Wednesday, I'm flipping through the channels and stop on the new Jay Leno Show for a minute, which I believe is a horrible idea five times a week (once a week on Thursday would have been a good move).

Anyway, he filmed a segment called Cash for Flunkers. And sure enough, a mom brings a failing student into a building, the door closes, then reopens as the mom emerges with a braniac looking child. The crowd erupts in laughter. I throw my remote at the TV.

MOVIE REVIEW

The International. Good thriller. Strange ending. I really like Clive Owen.

Deja Vu. First half is awesome. Second half, not so much. Denzel is good.

Duplicity. Did I mention that I really like Clive Owen?

DID YOU KNOW?

Did you know that Kanye West really likes Beyonce's Single Ladies video? Did you know he interrupted the very serious MTV video awards? Did you know that Obama called Kanye a jackass? Did you know that Joe Wilson talks like a fourth grader? (You lie!)

Did you know that Serena Williams had one of the greatest outbursts in sports history? (I've been quoting her all week. It's a shame she didn't get more pub for her tirade than Kanye got. A real shame.)

Did you know that all three of these stories are the only things that happened in the entire world last week? (Yup. Nothing else.)

PARTING SHOT
I run across the street to hand the mailman a Netflix disc. I have on my 2007 LSU football championship T-shirt.

Me: Hey, can you throw this in there?
Mailman: Sure, man. You wearing that championship shirt, huh?
Me: Yeah.
Mailman: Say, they playing Saturday or Sunday?
Me: Uh, Saturday.

(D, can I get a whistle?)