BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND

Guess who's back
Back again
Gene Pool's back
Tell a friend
Guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back

I've created a monster, cuz nobody wants to see Gene no more
They want Tina, I'm chopped liver

OK, that was the beginning of Eminem's Without Me. But you have to admit, the past week has felt a little empty without me, right? Or so the six people who complained to me about no recent entries tell me.

What have I been up to? Well, not much. I enjoyed hitting the softball on Sports Saturday and running down Bert's fly balls. My apologies to Little Joe for some lousy pitching on his turn at-bat.

Last Wednesday, I met Kelly, Bert and Paul at Fox & Hound for some free shuffleboard. Paul and I played two games by ourselves when the couple left to make it home in time for Top Chef at 11 p.m. Like who has to be in front of the TV while the show airs these days? They ever heard of a DVR or fuck, a VCR?

Paul won the first game 16-1, but I responded with a 15-1 victory in the second match. We decided against a rubber match.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER
The highlights from the past week.

My mom and I went to lunch last Thursday. I wasn't ready on time in her view. "Are you fucking kidding me?"

Mom is doing something in the kitchen. I'm in the other room. "Motherfuck me!"

Mom is being followed too closely by a fellow driver on Hickory. So, mom plays a game where she comes to a complete stop as both of them are turning. The other driver had to swerve slightly to avoid hitting her. He was pissed. Mom didn't care. "Ha. Ha. Ha. With your little Mazda. Piece of shit."

On the anniversary of Katrina, mom recalled a fond memory. "And then the next day was the hottest fucking day ever." She repeated that exact statement Tuesday.

Mom and I watched the Little League World Series title game Sunday. The Taiwan coach has a meeting on the mound with his team.
Me: Ma, what do you think he's saying to the players?
Mom: Fuck all ya'll motherfuckers.

Mom is cutting a piece of cake Tuesday afternoon. "This fucking shit is melting."

MOVIE REVIEW

The Legend of Bagger Vance. 2000. Solid, though could have been better.

Yes Man. 2008. Wasn't expecting much, but I thought it was some fine Jim Carrey work.

Leatherheads. 2008. Why does Hollywood keep trying to convince me that Renee Zellweger is attractive? Give up already.

Trouble the Water. 2008. Katrina and its aftermath documentary. Ya heard?

RANDOM THOUGHT

It always gets me when people start a new relationship (in real life and more often in TV and movies) and one of the members or a friend of one of the members says, "I hope it works out (or I think it's going to work out)."

What exactly does "work out" mean? Is the relationship going to the gym? Seriously, though, if the couple breaks up, then it didn't work out, right? So, "work out" means ends in marriage and then death. Well, then let's say that. Let's not sugar coat this shit.

PARTING SHOTS
On August 29th, I'm talking to Kelly.

Me: Happy Anniversary.
Kelly: Anniversary for wha .... oh.

Danny was sad about the lack of a Gene Pool.

Danny: Now I don't know what to do with myself before I go to bed.

At work Tuesday, we're discussing Derry's fondness for singing.

D: Derry, you rap?
Derry: I did rap Saturday.
Marcus: Yeah, sandwiches.

LIGHT ONE UP

This is my 420th day in a row with a blog entry. Quite the streak when you think about all the pitfalls.

But I have a bit of bad news for all you loyal followers. The streak will not reach 421. I'll give you a second to catch your breath. OK. A few seconds. ....... Recovered? Good.

Don't worry. Like MacArthur once said: I shall return. When that comeback is, however, I can't exactly tell you. Until then, hold your head up (literally, do it now!) and keep on reaching for the stars.

And with that, he vanished.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom reminds me how much my ticket for failure to maintain control will cost. "Two hundred and fucking 80 dollars."

Mom wouldn't sit in the crowd if I went on Millionaire. Instead, she'd hang out in New York. "Who wants to sit in the fucking audience?"

PARTING SHOT
We're discussing the women's football team (New Orleans Blaze) and how they won some kind of game a few weeks ago.

Me: Those girls don't mess around.
Marcus: Some of them do. You got to meet them at the right time.

A TOP LIST
My top five moments of August.

5) Scavenger Hunt. Aug. 14.
During a fight during the hunt:

Kelly: This is ridiculous.
Paul: You're ridiculous.

4) Sports Saturdays.
The first one was rained out. The fourth one was a 5-on-5 football game. I'd say that's a steady improvement.

3) Green Day concert. Aug. 7.
I need to be on the floor next time.

2) My story published. Aug. 16.
Only one comment on nola. What's up with that?

1) Car wreck. Aug. 10.
My new theory is that aliens caused the accident.

THAT'S THE TICKET

It's been two weeks since I ran into a parked car with my car on a side street in Harahan. Today was also the day I called the Harahan court house to find out the scoop on my ticket.

Turns out, failure to maintain control is worth $280 to the city. See you October 6th!

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom looks out at her garden. "Fucking weeds."

Mom doesn't like my sleeping arrangements. "Why do you have two fucking blankets?"

The time disappears from the stove. "What the fuck?"

DID YOU KNOW?

Did you know that Michael Jackson was murdered? Did you the Saints have played two preseason game? Did you know that Brett Favre plays for the Vikings? Did you know that Glenn Beck said some mean things about the president?

NO WORK AND ALL PLAY

For the past week, I've been on vacation. It's the first time since that storm that I've taken more than one extra day off in a week and didn't leave town. It felt good to recharge the batteries. 

Here's a list of everything I accomplished with my time off: 

Yup, that's about it. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom said something happened today that never happens in late August. "The water is fucking cold in the pool." 

Mom is watching Entourage. Turtle gets turned down. "That's OK, Turtle. I'd do you. You're my fucking one." 

MOVIE WEEK IN REVIEW

Sweet Home Alabama. 2002. Warmed the heart. 

The Goods. 2009. Disappointing. 

Say Anything. 1989. Didn't understand why the movie is called Say Anything. That phrase had nothing to do with John Cusack. 

Caveman. 1981. Waste of time. 

Wall Street. 1987. Great flick. Loved the ending. 

Role Models. 2008. "Obviously, we're not supposed to butt-fuck the kids." 

RANDOM THOUGHT OF EVERY SO OFTEN

You know the phrase "hit 'em and quit 'em"? Sure, you do. Well, I was thinking: There needs to be variations of this one because I'm getting sick of hearing this. So, I came up with these alternatives:

1) Nail 'em and bail on 'em.

2) Screw it and shoo it.

3) Tap it and scrap it (my personal favorite)

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL? 

We had our most successful Sports Saturday in its short existence with a 5-on-5 football game at Jefferson Playground. This was mostly due to eight people from Friday's fantasy draft showing up for a full football weekend. 

We used a 50-yard field and played to seven touchdowns, before switching to a 40-yard field and playing to five touchdowns. My favorite play I made was a buttonhook route that turned into a touchdown and looked much like one Meachem used later in the night vs. the Texans. 

Just two hours later, I was regretting playing that second game. I'm in pain. Let's just say I might be in the same doctor's office as Jammal Brown on Monday. Oww. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom is thinking about getting out of her cell phone contract that she was so adamant about getting last November. I break down the numbers to see if it's worth the $200 penalty, and it its by about four bucks a month. Mom: "I guess I'll just stick with my fucking plan." 

SAINTS AND THEIR SATIONS

Boy were the Saints impressive in their preseason game against the Texans. This team has the potential to be scary good. The offense looks like its playing Madden on rookie level. I really hope Arrington and Rod Harper make the team. 

On defense, you can tell the unit still isn't very good. The aggressiveness, however, the players have this year is the difference. Sure, they'll give up solid chunks of rushing yards and leave some receivers open, but they beat the shit out of you when they tackle you. The turnover differential is going to be night and day this season, which should lead to the playoffs. 

Also Saturday afternoon, I watched some of the Saintsations calendar on CST. Oh yeah. One girl, I forget her name, said this during her interview: "I've been with the team for two years now. So, this is my second year." 

PARTING SHOT

At Hawaiian karaoke night at the Rickshaw in Harahan, I try to get Kelly to sing. 

Me: So, Kelly, what ya gonna sing? 

Kelly: Uh, your praises. 

IT'S ALL PART OF MY FANTASY

On Friday night, we had our fantasy auction draft at David's house from 8:30 p.m. to 1 a.m. We didn't start right away because we had to settle some arguments on how the league was to be setup. 

You see, I wanted it one way, and everybody else wanted it another way. I didn't like it at all, but I had to be that guy of the group, like the lone juror who votes not guilty. Basically, I was a dick, but a necessary dick, if you ask me. 

Issue #1: Last year with eight teams in the league, we had six teams make the playoffs. You know who ended up in the championship? Yeah, the fifth and sixth place teams. I made it my mission to not let such a travesty happen again. 

OK. Slight curveball. We upgraded to 10 teams this year, so people thought this wouldn't be an issue. I don't think so, buddy. I made a stand. 

This was my reasoning: a) If the sixth-place team out of 10 makes the playoffs, you're giving a team that finished in the bottom half of the league (aka, a loser) the chance to win the title with a couple lucky weeks at the end. I wanted four teams to make it. b) In the NFL, only 12 out of 32 teams to make it. These people would want 17 teams to make it. 

We then voted on this issue. How many people voted with me for a four (or even five-team playoff)? None. 9-1 in favor of letting the sixth-place team make the playoffs. The playoffs are a honor. Something that is earned. Ugh. 

My dick moment: "I'm thinking about quitting the league if we don't do something about this." Childish? Yes. Necessary? Yes. The compromise: The team that finishes with the best record is at least guaranteed to get his money back. 

Issue #2: We started the auction system last year for the purpose of being able to keep two players. I made a really good draft pick of Roddy White for five points and was glad to be rewarded by keeping him for years at a cheap price. 

However, this became in jeopardy because it was "unfair" to the new teams. I even accepted a compromise where the newbies would get to select one player from the list of unkept players to start their team. 

My dick moment: "Fuck the new teams." 

The vote: 8-2 in favor of completely starting over. Only Paul voted with me. Ugh. 

Anyway, here's the new lineup for the Gene Poolers. 

QB: Peyton Manning (I overpaid for him. That's on me.)

QB: Chad Pennington: (Dolphin!)

RB: Adrian Peterson (No. 1 player)

RB: Maurice Jones-Drew (Could be the best RB duo in our league)

RB: Thomas Jones (A steal as a backup)

WR: Roddy White (Had to pay 23 points to get him back)

WR: Ted Ginn Jr. (Dolphin!)

WR: Nate Washington (Last pick of draft)

WR: Robert Meachem (Hey, it was one point)

TE: John Carlson (A sleeper according to ESPN)

Kicker: David Akers 

Defense: Saints (Shh.)

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom left her sun roof open today during the downpour. "Now I got to wait for my fucking car to dry." Later in the day, she looks outside. "Still fucking raining." 

Mom reads the story about the guy getting sentenced for fighting during a little league game. "That's bullshit." 

Me: What's wrong with not shaking hands? 

Mom: They fucking 8-year-olds. 

Mom's temporary tooth fell out Friday afternoon. She said "fuck" six times and "motherfuck" once. 

Mom gives one of her theories on driving. "I drive in the middle so nobody can fuck me." Anything else? "I hate fucking 18-wheelers." 

Mom went to a big store early Friday. "I went into Macy's for the first time today. That motherfucker is large." 

I tease mom about her phone bill. "Fuck you, Gene." 

RANDOM THOUGHT OF EVERY SO OFTEN

If you use the nickname thing where you call somebody by their two initials, my name would be G.G., which sounds like a girl's name. Though it did work wonders for Gordon Gekko. 

ANNIVERSARY WEEK CONTINUES

It was eight years ago today that I started working at the T-P. How did I celebrate this anniversary? By drinking heavily. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom enjoyed reading the story about the JC Penny caper on the front page of Thursday's paper. "You see someone got into the fucking JC Penny and stole $1.5 million? That ain't the only one. They hittin' all the fucking JC Pennys. Fucking robbing JC Penny. Not a jewelry store. JC Penny." 

Mom read something or saw something about Natalie Portman. "Did you know she graduated from Harvard? She has a fucking IQ out of this world." 

Mom sees the beginning of the fight Shockey got into during practice with the Texans on the news. She yells: "Here's the fight! ... Kick his ass!" 

COUPLES NIGHT

On Wednesday night, I met Little Joe and Jenna and Bert and Kelly (my favorite two couples from different groups of friends) at the Fox & Hound. 

Our plan was to play some highly competitive shuffleboard. That plan was thwarted, however, when the people already occupying the game when we arrived didn't stop playing for the next hour and a half. Basterds. 

RANDOM THOUGHT OF EVERY SO OFTEN

I'm trying to start a new thing where you refer to someone by deleting the first letter of his/her first and last name. It's been fun so far.