SHE ASKED ME ABOUT GRADUATION, TOO

FINDING THE HUMOR

The last three days have been a brutal roller coaster as my mom entered what I'm calling the fourth stage of dying. Each day had a major incidence. 

But that's not the point of this post. Mom has said the darnedest things over the past few days, so I'd thought I share a few of them with you. 

"Am I having a baby?"

Me: Nope. 

"Well, you never know when."

"I have a lit cigarette somewhere. 

Me: You quit months ago. 

"It's gonna burn the house down."

"I have to get up and pee."

Me: You have a catheter. You don't have to get up. Just go. 

"I'm gonna piss in your eyeball!"

"Why don't they ever tell the spouse, or the kids?"

Me: They do.

"They didn't tell me."

Me: Tell you what?

"About the mattress. Took four or five days."

"I've been calling Beyonce."

Me: What she say?

"Nothing. I could just here her saying fuck you and hanging up."

There was also a story that ended with the cops showing up at our house, her pointing at a girl on the TV and telling the nurse "that's Gene's girlfriend, Nicole," and her calling steps 1, 2 and 3 of some process bullshit."