I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM

FINDING THE HUMOR 2

After cutting through some insurance bullshit, an ambulance arrived Friday afternoon to transport my mom to River Regions hospice care. 

She was asleep when the EMTs tried to move her off the bed. Her eyes popped open and got as big as I've ever seen them. 

"What the fuck!?!?!"

After some more miscommunications Friday night and Saturday morning, mom's medications were finally figured out and she got a little comfortable. I slept fine in her room Friday night, though Saturday night was a different story. 

She has said the title of this post at least 100 hundred times over the past few days, no matter how vehemently I explain that she has a catheter and a diaper. 

Here's some of the stuff she's said in her hospice room the past few days. Once again, a big thanks to all that stopped by. 

-- Did you set the ice machine to when you want the baby born?

-- They don't serve ice in Panama City. I was like I need more ice. And she was like you have so much. And I was like I need more. Six, seven, eight cubes. 

-- (looking at the TV) Change the station. I want the last letter to be Z.  

-- Am I sitting on dad? Is he in the corner?

-- Nicole made a bunch of candy for Christmas for her family, co-workers, etc. She gave a box to mom, who loved a particular kind. 

Me: You like the pink candy?

Mom: Yeah. It was so good. Can't wait to wear it out. 

-- How do you expect me to get out of here?

Me: Out of where?

Mom: The horse. I don't want to let the team down. 

-- Me: Who visited you yesterday?

Mom: He took out the shotgun and killed the cop. 

Me: Who?

Mom: The guy she was with. 

Me: Whose she?

Mom: I dunno. 

Me: When was this?

Mom: Yesterday at my house. 

-- Was Melissa on the team last year?

-- Can I wear your shirt when I go home?

-- You should start walking around. 

Me: I think I wanna go to sleep. 

Mom: You get yourself sick when you do that. 

-- Her old sheets are sitting in bags on the air conditioner. 

Mom: What are those?

Me: Sheets. 

Mom: But what's in the bag?

Me: Sheets. 

Mom: I got that. But what's in the sheets?

She also insisted on being handed the old sheets. She opened the bag and rummaged through them. 

Me: What are you looking for?

Mom: The plug.