There are many things I've never done. For instance, I've never had a cup of coffee. But I can scratch something off that list after attending my first out-of-town wedding Saturday night in Illinois.
It was my 11th wedding as an adult, and unless something drastic happened during my trip, I'm still perfect in that all these marriages still are intact.
The four days I spent in Champaign were wonderful, and I have an appreciation for small town Midwest life that I didn't have before. The August weather was great, not hot at all with a nice breeze most of the time. I only sweated one time, and that was while dancing.
Let's go through some of the happenings that went down in Champaign as I take a train back to Chicago and listen to Weezer while these people behind us yell things like "we're going shopping, you can jack off in a brewery" and "do you prefer missionary?" and "this country was founded on champagne and cocaine."
FRIDAY
Katie and James were top-notch hosts, never showing any frustration despite having four -- Joe, maid of honor Jenna and officiant Bob were also on hand -- extra people in their house.
Like I told them in their guest book, their energy for life was infectious.
And they let me go to their rehearsal even though I had no real business being there. But I'm glad I went, because it was pretty damn cool.
When Jenna and Joe got married last April, Katie was the maid of honor and gave a touching, yet hilarious speech. So it was froot to see Jenna return the favor 15 months later.
Jenna's speech had me laughing at all the shenanigans them two have gotten into and then had me holding back tears when she talked about their friendship. And then back to laughing again as Jenna welcomed James into her and Katie's open relationship.
No word yet on if James and Joe will hook up on Facebook.
Speaking of James, he may be the coolest nerd on the planet -- sorry, Bert. James loves board games -- he's going to a convention -- Dungeons and Dragons and trivia. But he also is big into auto cross, drinking/partying and boy can he dance. His smile ain't bad, either.
The rehearsal dinner was at Jupiter's, which had a spacious second floor with about four parties at once. We had pizza, wings and spinach and artichoke dip. They put the Bears-Eagles on TV instead of Saints-Rams. The Midwest, I tell ya.
They had a children's arcade in the basement -- everything has a basement there -- and pop-a-shot with the restaurant on the first floor. High score was 105; I hit 97. Ughhhhh.
The actual rehearsal was like any other rehearsal, except it was outside and they practiced it three times, instead of once.
Katie was like pointing and shit.
SATURDAY
Wedding day started with lunch as several groomsmen were mystified that Bob and I had never eaten at the legendary Culver's. I got a kick out of one groomsman reciting a popular commercial, as that's what I would have done.
Culver's -- it's fast food -- is home to the butter burger, but I, for one, wasn't overwhelmed. It was OK, nothing any more special than Tru Burger or Smashburger or Atomic Burger, etc.
The wedding ceremony was short and sweet, lasting about 10 minutes.
Then there was mingling before dinner at 6. Menu: carrots, baked beans, pulled pork, rice with asparagus, squash and peppers, and brisket. I ate the rice and brisket. Pretty good. Had seconds.
Dessert was sugar cookies, lemon and strawberry cake pops and mini cupcakes. I liked lemon better than strawberry, which surprised me. The sugar cookies, some of which had their initials on them, were, as you might imagine, addicting.
The bar served only beer and wine, so Joe and I payed a guy to run to the store and get some Jack Daniels. Good move.
The band finished around 10:30, and that's when Katie and James' friends came alive and rivaled any wedding partying we've done in New Orleans.
The Illini never seemed to stop drinking and bounced around with boundless energy. None more so than James, as mentioned early.
There's the dance floor that was pieced together Friday afternoon.
You must be wondering if I performed my usual antics. That would be a yes.
Katie purposely put Don't Stop Believin' third on the iPod mix, and I had a nice buzz going when the music hit.
There is no photo/video evidence of the sixth wedding rendition of the Journey Dance -- first done in a New Res dorm room circa 2004 -- so you'll just have to take my word that it was good.
Best songs for the group dancing portion included I Don't Care, Your Love is My Drug and a localish band's hit song about Fred Astaire.
The grounds of casa de Bogner are fairly vast, allowing for groups to mingle in different areas. There was the house itself, a swing outside the house, the dance floor, the dinner seating area, a camp fire in the back and to wherever this one couple kept disappearing.
My favorite people I met on the trip were Katie's oldest brother Kevin, who is 6-9, and James' friend Lindsay.
Kevin was funny, congenial and seemed to win MVP honors for assisting in wedding preparations. Kevin, 29, was everywhere in setting up, read a poem during the ceremony and danced with every little cousin who wanted a turn.
Joe and Kevin share a birthday, which is Mardi Gras next year, and we're requesting his presence to help catch anything we want.
Lindsay seemed like I could drop her into one of my friend groups, and she would be a part of it instantly. She was even pushing our pace at the wedding. If she saw us take a break, she'd come over disappointed. "Come on, New Orleans."
Anyway, the reception was damn near nine hours, and I think the longer the reception the better. It worked for Gill. It worked for Katie. Other times, it seems like the fun just ends way too soon.
SUNDAY
Recovery day was highlighted by trivia night at the Cowboy Monkey, where a monkey would have done better than me at the general knowledge rounds.
There were six rounds, with a bonus round in the middle. The bonus question was name as many of the top 10 quarterbacks in career TD passes as you can. Which, with some help, I did.
I was actually disappointed because I tried to put them in exact order but mixed up No. 5 and 6. For shame.
Trivia nights usually have bonuses like that to add some points but don't really expect someone to get the max. The trivia host came over to our table and said: "OK, who is the autistic one?"
The final category of the night was Weird Al related. Boy, was I excited. He plays a clip from an Al song, and you name the original artist. Ten songs, with the 10th being the hardest.
Jenna was shocked that I liked Weird Al so much. Joe: "That's like saying you didn't know that I like brats."
I knew the first nine right away but had no clue who the original artist was on the 10th. There is a gift card given for the winner of each round -- except, of course, that bonus round -- and some bastard team got all 10 right.
Figures that the trivia host would play the one song I wouldn't have got.
Before trivia, the New Orleans crew drove through the monstrous University of Illinois campus. We walked along the football stadium, where it just so happened to be picture day.
I believe this is the first 2014 Illinois football team photo. Suck it, media guide.
MONDAY
There was some document signing to make Saturday's events official.
And as they say in Champaign: OK, bye.
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