LET'S TALK ABOUT SEX. WEIRD SEX. 

Whenever my oldest group of friends get together lately, a large part of the conversation turns to sex. Throw in some alcohol, and it becomes about weird sex. Like shit I never thought of before.

So Friday was David's 28th birthday, and he had a get-together at his crib. We discovered recently that Kelly doesn't like it when you touch your belly button, so all the guys were rubbing their belly buttons to gross her out. Yes, I started this, though David took it to the next level when he dipped a chip in there and then ate it in front of Kelly.

Before you know it, the conversation turns to sticking a penis in weird places.
Kelly: "I've never taken it in the belly button."
Me: "Where else, though? Have you ever taken it in the ear?
Kelly: "A what? Dick in the ear?"

This, obviously, delved into a butt conversation. Or as Black Matt (it's OK, he likes to be called that) put it: "It's not a party until there's a butt conversation."

Before it gets really freaky, though, here's the heartwarming part of the night. Our friend Allen, who once responded to my question of how many people he killed in Afghanistan with "Enough," moved some time ago to New Jersey for work.

But at 12:30 a.m. as the party was veering into crazy drunkenness, the son of a bitch shows up and surprises David from behind as he was setting up glasses for the usual group shot, even though everyone's already drunk. Touching moment. David had no idea he was flying in for the occasion. Tear.

But now back to the freaky sex talk. Of the six long term relationships in the group, three (that's half) say the girl occasionally sticks her finger up the dude's butt. Hey-oh!!! I don't think any sentences that come after that one really matter. Just read that again. Is that just this group? Or is this a thing?

Then, we started inventing sexual terms. Paul says a Mr. Freeze is when a guy puts his semen in the freezer, then later throws it in the girl's face instead of ejaculating. And this from a guy who said the thought of the finger-up-the-butt never came close to crossing his mind until the group discussion.

Me: OK. Now what if he took his semen and put it in the oven or microwave? What would that be called?
Paul: Why would someone do that?
Me: I don't know. You just had him putting it in the freezer. Why can't I have him put it in the microwave?

We took a poll to find the best sexual name for throwing microwaved semen in a girl's face. And the winner is, courtesy of the birthday boy David: A hot pocket.


THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom had to throw out the carpet in the dining room due to Hurricane Isaac flooding. She's replacing it with tile. "Isaac was worse than fucking Katrina."

Mom and I are discussing a TV character with back problems. Mom: "That means he can't fuck good."

Mom loves Big Brother. Somebody was gullible, and it cost her. "He tricked her, and now her fucking boyfriend got kicked out."
Mom's dream is to get on Big Brother. "I would do everything it took to get that fucking $500,000. Lie. Cheat. The whole fucking works."

GEAUX, GEAUX ... GEAUX, SAINTS, GEAUX

I'm taking the blame for the Saints' loss to Washington. I have this thing for my garden. It's a stick (about yeah high) with a football on it that says Saints. Left it in the garage to start the season. My bad. It's on display now. Look out, Carolina.

The Saints blocked a punt for a touchdown in the opener last week. That was the first game in the Dome since Isaac. You may recall the Saints also blocked a punt for a TD in the first Dome game after Katrina. Hurricane hits the city = Saints block a punt for a TD.

PARTING SHOTS
From Thursday night's work shift.
I explain to the group that I don't like this trend where writers and announcers say "at the (name of position) position." Instead of just saying the name of the position. "At safety."
Me: It aggravates the piss out of me.
Liam: So, are you weak at the bladder position?

I see one of our new reporters had two front-page stories.
Me: She was a busy bee today.
Brick: What did you say?
Me: I said she was a busy bee.
Brick: Oh, I thought you said something else.
Me: What?
Brick: A busy Oregon State mascot.  (Editor's note: Oregon State is the Beavers.)

From Saturday night's shift.
I explain that I don't like anything on the menu from the place we're ordering from.
Beth: "If I ate like you, I'd kill myself."

D doesn't want to spend money on food.
Sandy: You heard of the rapper Old Dirty Bastard?
Me: Yeah, ODB.
Sandy: Well, D is OCB. Old Cheap Bastard.
D: I've heard that before, that I was cheap.
Sandy: That's the only one of those three words you've been called?

TOP LIST
My favorite movies since the old blog.

2009: Up.
2010: Toy Story 3.
2011: 50-50.