CAN YOU UPGRADE ME NOW?

I've had the same phone (a razor) since December 2004. It's the phone I had during Hurricane Katrina. It was standard fare at the time. Now, it's beyond ancient.

Last Thursday, my phone was working at noon. I then cut the grass, and when I came back, the aliens had taken over my phone. There was a black and white screen where my homepage photo used to be. A blue line was going in and out in the middle of the black and white, probably some sort of signal of when to start the invasion.

Some of the buttons also made noise when I pressed them, but twenty minutes later, the phone turned off, never to work again.

Confession time. I've been lying to everyone I've talked to about my phone's death. But you, the loyal (funny sidebar, when i first typed this paragraph, I put loyola instead of loyal) reader, is about to know the truth. Brace yourself, and remember you can't repeat this in public as I will continue to lie about the circumstances surrounding the phone's demise.

The totally believable lie is that it was just my phone's time. It turned off because it was 8 fucking years old. And that actually may be true. However, it probably has more to do with the fact that  I, like so many others before me, DROPPED THE PHONE IN THE TOILET. Shhh.

I got it out quickly and dried it off. It still was working an hour later. But not two hours later. So who knows.

Anywhos, the next day I set out to buy a new phone. What's this, I see on the Internets. The new iphone 5 was set to come out that very day.

I arrived at the Verizon store at 2:30 in the afternoon to find out how long I the waiting list was. I was hoping for a week, and I would just make due without a phone for a while. There were no other customers in the store.

Me: How long is the wait for the new iphone?
Worker: Um, we have one left. It's a 32 gig white.
Me: I'll take it.

When I gave my phone to the guy to transfer the numbers (yeah, they actually transferred), he said: "Whoa! What the heck is this?"

And so the same person who has a crusade against technology and getting new things had an iphone 5 on the first day it was available here. I do miss the simplicity of the razor, though.

I got a lavender case for the phone. Peeps at work made fun of me for it. The highlight was AGG saying: "Gene, your phone is gayer than mine."

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom and I are discussing the new phone. She thinks people my age overuse their phones. "They're on the motherfuckers all the time."

Mom recalled the days when she did pot. "Back when it was cheap. When it was good. Now, it's shit."

I WANT TO ROCK AND ROLL ALL NIGHT

And party every day, which it seems like I've been doing recently. Check out the times I got home last week:

Thursday (or Friday morning): 5:15 a.m.
Friday (or Saturday morning): 10:30 a.m.
Saturday (or Sunday morning): 1:45 a.m.
Sunday (or Monday morning): 4:05 a.m.

PARTING SHOT
JRap and I are fake-fighting Saturday night.

JRap: I'm gonna kick your ass.
D: Kickin' ass and taking names.
JRap: I don't even bother getting their names anymore. Just kick ass and walk away.