1. Boston Duck Tour
On Thursday the 25th of June, we scheduled a duck tour at 9 a.m. The web site said to get there a half hour early, but we misjudged the timing of the subway and arrived around 8:55 a.m.
And we didn't know where the tour started, just the building where it's setup. After asking the front desk person, we had to scurry all the way around the building to reach the boat with a minute to spare.
The other problem was that I didn't have a ticket. You are able to show it on your phone, but I mistyped my email and didn't receive the ticket. Luckily, they were able to look it up and see that I had paid for the ride, so they let us on.
Anyway, the Boston Duck Tour is on a $400,000 vehicle that runs on diesel, but turns into a boat and can navigate water.
Our tour guide was an entertainer/informer who started with some magic. I'm still not sure if it was an actual card trick or not, but he did correctly guess the five of hearts. He said he gets it right about one in 52 tries.
He -- I forgot his name, as I have all the tour guides -- pointed out many of the landmarks we would later visit in person. He dropped some decent one-liners, like "Why are there 239 beans in each can of Boston baked beans?" "Because one more would be too farty."
Get it? Of course, you do. It's a fart joke.
The circus was in town last week and there was drama. It was in tents. Get it? Like intense. In tents. Oh, the hilarity.
My favorite bit was after we were on the Charles River. He had the children on the boat take turns steering and before giving them a sticker, he asked them their favorite ice cream flavor and football team.
All the kids were tourists and would say their hometown team. He would blink in atonishement and mutter Patriots. They would say their team again. He muttered Patriots and repeat.
We got a sticker for being from Louisiana. Yes, everyone on board got a sticker.
We also said "Quack, quack" fairly often. Being on a duck boat and all.
2. MASSACHUSETTS STATE HOUSE
Later that day, we stopped at the state house, where the governor and the such do business.
The top is made of sheets of gold that has to be replaced about every 20-25 years. In 1997, it cost $300,000.
Our tour guide was short enough for me to make fun of him.
That's a statue of George Washington. Short stuff explained that Washington was made to look regal, but folks in the new country were leary, obviously, of kings, so the government said Washington was actually wearing a blanket and carrying battle plans in his hand.
Don't know who bought that load of crap. It's clearly a toga. All hail, King George.
The shrimp explained that JFK is shown walking in this tribute statue as a way to say that his legacy continues on. No sitting U.S. president, including Massachusetts native JFK, has visited the state house since William Howard Taft in 1912.
This is where the votes are cast to implement important laws. I was not allowed to partake as part of the tour. Boo.
One of the potraits up there is of Sam Adams -- who else? -- arguing for colonists' rights.
These two were seen talking in just about every room we passed on the tour. Were they following us? Were they on their own tour? Were they fucking with me? Were they just plain fucking?
Don't remember why this is specifically hanging in the state house, but I did learn a fun fact. You see that Honest Abe isn't showing one arm?
Well, that's because the cost of potraits used to be determined by the amount of limbs showing. So by hiding his left arm, Abe saved some dough. And that's how we get the expression "it'll cost you an arm and a leg."
Also of note, the members of the tour were Nicole, myself and about 30 Asians.
3. HARVARD
On Friday, we took a tour of Hahvad, the oldest university in the country. Shit, it's older than America.
Our tour guide was a handsome rising sophomore who kept lightly clapping his hands as he told stories.
He's studying applied mathematics. What's that, someone asked. "I don't know. I've only taken the introductory courses." Also, Harvard doesn't call it a major. They call it a concentration. Well.
That's the oldest academic building in the country. Guess who once lived here? Don't know? C'mon, didn't you learn anything from our previous post?
Sam Adams and John Hancock.
The statue of John Harvard is the third most photographed statue in America, right behind the Statue of Liberty and the Lincoln Memorial.
I'm almost touching his golden shoe for luck. Almost because our guide said you don't know what Harvard students have done to that toe in the dead of night. Yuck.
We learned that that is not John Harvard, as someone else was used as the model. Probably some random student of the time.
The Harvard library just made 100 years old. It has like a zillion books and goes underground for like a mile. It was dedicated in honor of a Harvard bookworm who died traveling back from Europe. The guide asked if anyone knew how he died. A voice rose up.
The Titanic.
Correct.
That was me. I nailed it. Woooo!
So the kid's mother gave Harvard $3.5 million in 1915 to build a library under the condition that every Harvard student pass a swimming test before graduating because she thought her son would have survived -- he couldn't swim -- had he just did the breast stroke to New York.
The guide made four boat puns -- rock the boat, ship has sailed, etc. -- during his story, the corniest being that with the library, the dead Harvard student's heart will go on.
We also learned about how Harvard students go streaking together before finals. Hmmmmmmm.
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