TO 58 AND BEYOND

YOU TAKE THE GOOD, YOU TAKE THE BAD

February was an up-and-down month for my mother. At one point, I thought she was going to be one of those people you read about where their cancer is just gone. The next day she almost died from not being able to breathe. 

Even today she's walking around the house -- breathing fine -- like a madwoman yelling and bitching about what's become of her house. Like there's nothing wrong with her.

Just a long, slow, seemingly never ending process of highs and lows. There was her pizza birthday party on Feb. 9 where she got some pretty flowers and a Doberge cake and enjoyed the whole thing with a big smile on her face. Then there's the crying and constant talk of death. 

Anywhoozle, here are some cursing highlights. 

-- I'm 58 years old, and I can say what the fuck I want. 

-- God decided to give me slow acting fucking shit so I can live another fucking year like this. 

-- After exploring the back room for the first time in months: "You walk in a room and the oddest things are in the fucking room. Brush I've been looking for, trash."

-- On a present from a nurse: "It's a nice gesture, but this is the ugliest fucking blanket I've ever seen in my fucking life."

-- On Nicole's pizza preferences: "Just pepperoni? She ain't no true fucking Italian. No sausage, c'mon."

-- On her hospital bed: "I want this piece of shit out of here. I want my fucking bed back."

-- I'm wiping the counter. You know how fucking sticky it is?

VALENTINE'S DAY

Nicole and I had a heck of a Valentine's Day, concluding with a romantic dinner at Waffle House, where I haggled over 45 cents with the waitress -- hey, it was a charge for nothing, that's stealing. 

Nicole got me an assortment of shit much like Christmas: a nice card, a shaving kit, candy, a Bluetooth speaker, a shirt and a portable phone charger. 

I outdid her, though, with just one present. (Cue to her making a face as she reads that.)

The girl loves puzzle so I took a picture of us and ordered a 500-piece puzzle of it. 

Boom! Looks realistic, too. 

Oh, I never mentioned what she got me for Christmas: Board games, popcorn, a polo shirt, shoes and a key holder -- and key to her house -- with my last name on it made by her aunt.